The Weirdo

           “Who is that guy?”  I asked my friend Kelly over drinks one night. 

     She turned around excitedly to see whom I was referring to. She wanted me to meet someone just as badly as I did.  Her smile quickly disappeared when she saw that I asked about her coworker.

            “That’s Mark.  You met him at my party last year.”  Kelly said

“I did?  I don’t remember him.”  I said

“That’s because he is wearing a suit tonight and because you were involved with some guy.”  Kelly reminded me.

     I thought back to her party and she was right.  The jackass I was dating at the time couldn’t come to the party with me.   Instead of enjoying myself, I wasted most of the night texting him.  No wonder I didn’t notice Mark.  Well, I was officially done with that mess of a man and ready for something new. Mark seemed nice, confident and outspoken.  He wasn’t gorgeous but cute enough to get my attention.  He slowly worked his way to me and bought us a round of drinks.  I thanked him with a flirty smile and then looked at Kelly.  It was obvious that she did not approve of my new love interest.

     Mark walked away to talk to someone else at the bar and that’s when Kelly scolded me.

  “Stay away from Mark.”  Kelly said.

  “What to do you mean?”  I asked.

 “I mean he’s not your type.”  She said. 

“You don’t know that.”  I said.

“Oh, yes I do! I promise you, you are going to hate him.”  She said

 “ I doubt that.  Besides, I don’t have anything going on right now and I’m bored. Why wouldn’t I go out with Mark?”  I said.

“Because it’s a bad idea and you can’t date someone just because you’re bored. Trust me, he is not your type. Don’t forget that I work with him, I know him better than you and I know that he is not for you.  If you date him, I’ll end up being his therapist at the office.  I don’t want to be his therapist.  Please, please, please don’t go out with him.”   Kelly begged but I didn’t listen.

   It took about a weeks but Mark eventually asked me out to dinner.  I wasn’t sure why Kelly said he wasn’t for me.  He was very sweet and treated me nicely.  I will admit that he talked a lot but he didn’t have anything interesting to say.  I didn’t hold that against him.  He also said things to convince me that he was a good catch.  That wasn’t a big deal either.  I just tuned him out from time to time.

“He’s really nice to me.”  I explained to Kelly over drinks a few weeks after Mark and I started to date.

“You’re kidding me.  He’s not irritating the hell out of you?”  She asked

“Not really.  He talks a lot but that’s not a bad thing.”  I said

“Oh my God, he never stops talking about himself! That’s a horrible thing.  Admit it, he’s annoying.”  She said

“I will never admit that!”  I said with a smile.

“He is driving me crazy with all of his questions about you.  He’s going to drive you crazy too.  As a matter of fact, you will want to punch him in the head like I do.”  She said.

“Well, I like him so I’m going to keep seeing him.”  I said. 

“You keep telling yourself that.  One day you’ll come to me and say that I was right and you were wrong.”  She said raising her wine glass to cheer me.

“Never!!”  I said clanking my glass into hers

      A week after I proclaimed my admiration for Mark to Kelly I started to understand what she meant.  At first I was drawn to his confidence and humor.  I laugh at his lame jokes and liked his strong personality but his shtick was getting old.  He also called me about a hundred times a day, which drove me crazy.  At first I thought it was cute but then I felt like I was being stalked.

“I called you an hour ago, why didn’t you call me back sooner?”  Mark asked one day.

“Because I already talked to you this morning and because your message said that you called just to say hi.  I didn’t think I had to call you back.”  I said

“You don’t have to do anything but I would like to think that you’d want to call me back sooner.”  He said which turned me right off!

A lot of our conversations went something like that.  He was suffocating me so I asked him to ease up on the phone calls but he didn’t.  It seemed like he called me even more after I talked to him about it.  One day he went on and on about how he was too good of a sales person to work at his current company.  He talked for twenty minutes straight! I tried to end the conversation a few times but he was too self-absorbed to notice.  I couldn’t follow the nonsense that came out of his mouth and I didn’t care about what he had to say.  I finally hung up on him and turned off my phone.  I needed a break from him even if it was for just one night.  He was emotionally needy and mentally exhausting.  This relationship was draining but I refused to admit that Kelly was right. 

    When I turned my phone back on in the morning I saw that he sent a bunch of texts and left a few voice messages.  I knew it was going to be a long day. 

            “What happened?”  Mark asked when I called him.

            “Phone died.  Sorry.”  I replied

            “Oh, that’s ok.  So let me finish my story.”  He said and picked up his rant where he left off. 

            “Mark. Seriously. Stop.  I don’t have time to talk to you right now.  I’m working.”  I said.

            “Don’t you want to know what I said to my manager?”  He asked.

            “Sure just not right now.  Call me later.”  I said.

    

     He called me about an hour later.  I let his call go to voicemail.  He sent me a text fifteen minutes after he left his message and I ignored it.  He called me an hour after that and I reluctantly answered my phone.  He was dying to tell me what he happened at his work so I let him talk.

  

“You know you surprised me.”  Mark said after he finished his idiotic story.

“What do you mean?”  I asked.

“Well, you’re a really good person and I feel like I could tell you anything.”  He said.

“Thank you.”  I said

“I have something that I need to talk to you about but I’m waiting for the right time to tell you.”  He said which freaked me out.

“What is it?”  I asked cautiously.

“I’ll tell you when the time is right.  I sort of feel bad about something too.”  He said

“Why do you feel bad?”  I asked

“Well, I’m sure you noticed that I ignored you the first time I met you at Kelly’s party.”  He said. 

    

     I didn’t notice but I let him continue to explain.  This was the first time I was actually interested in what he had to say. 

“My friends said that you were out of my league.  They said that I would never get you so I purposely treated you like shit that night.”  He said proudly. 

“What are you talking about?  You didn’t treat me like shit.”  I said

“Well, I wasn’t friendly to you.  My plan was to get you and then dump you to teach you a lesson and to show my friends that I you are not out of my league.”  He said.

“Are you serious?  Why did you feel the need to teach me a lesson?  What did I do to you?  That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!”  I yelled into the phone.

“Let me finish.”  He said with a silly laugh. 

“Let you finish?  Are you dumping me?”  I asked hoping that he was. 

“No, I’m not.  You’re a really nice person.  I can’t believe Kelly calls you The Black Widow.”  He said then laughed. 

     I wasn’t laughing.  As a matter of fact I was fuming.  Not because of my nickname, my friends have been calling me “The Black Widow” for a while.  I was annoyed because I had to end this and I had to admit that Kelly was right.

     

             “I’m sorry, I’m a little confused.  Are you dating me to prove a point to your friends?”  I asked trying to escalate our conversation into a huge argument. 

“Nope, I’m just saying that you are a sweet person and that I’m glad I got to see this side of you.”  He said. 

 “I don’t know Mark.  I need some time to process this whole thing.”  I said.

“I understand.  I’ll talk to you later.  I really need to tell you something so call me when you can talk.”  He said before I ended the call.

   Kelly was right; I wanted to punch him in the head.  Our relationship was painfully tedious.  I should have been mature and let Mark know how I felt but I didn’t.  Rather than acting like an adult, I chose to be aloof and unavailable.  I thought I could keep doing the fade away, you know, not answer his calls, ignore his texts and be too busy to see him until I faded away.  I assumed that at some point he would take the hint and go away.  My plan seemed easy enough.  I was able to avoid Mark's calls for a while but I couldn’t avoid Kelly.  I didn’t have a choice; I had to call Kelly back.

            “You have to end this and fast.  He is driving me absolutely mental!”  Kelly shouted into the phone.

            “What are you talking about?”  I asked still refusing to admit to Kelly that she was right.

            “What do you mean?  You know what I’m talking about!  He thinks you’re playing hard to get or some crap like that.  I know you and I know how you work.  END IT WITH HIM!”  Kelly yelled.

            “FINE! Give me a little more time.”  I said.

            “No more time, just do it! Admit it, I was right!”  Kelly said.

            “I will not admit that!”  I said

            “You could deny the fact that I was right all you want but I know the truth.  He is not for you.  One day you’ll admit it to me.”  She said.

     I didn’t want to lose this unspoken wager but I needed to vent about Mark.  His excessive phone calls and self promotion drove me absolutely nuts!  Not to mention his stupid attempt to complement me.  Say something nice about my appearance or my personality if you want to make me feel good.  Don’t tell me that you’re surprised to find out that I’m a human being with feelings.  Should I be privledged that Mark dated me?  And what bizarre lesson would I learn when he dumped me?  I wish he would dump me already so this nightmare could end! Oh, I almost forgot about the mysterious thing he had to tell me.  Was that supposed to intrigue me enough to keep me interested in him?  I really don’t care about whatever crap he had to share with me. 

            “Ok, ok!  You were right and I was wrong.  What the hell is wrong with that guy?  Doesn’t he know when to stop talking?”  I asked

            “No, he doesn’t.  He’s fun to hang out with in a group of people once in a while but that’s it.”  She explained.

            “If you say so.  I’ll be just fine if I never hang out with him again!”  I said.

           
     It killed me to admit to Kelly that I was wrong but it felt good to vent.  Now I had to figure out how break up with Mark.  I called him and asked if we could meet me for coffee at a Starbucks.  He seemed different over the phone but that was a good thing.  I hoped he would break up with me before I did it.

                         *               *               *               *               *

     I could tell that Mark was struggling with something when we met so I asked him if everything was ok. 

“Everything is fine.”  He said softly.

     

     I was thrilled! I thought for sure he was about to breakup with me!

“It seems like you have something to say.  What is it?”  I asked trying to get him to say the words that I longed to hear.  

“I’m afraid to talk to you about this.  I don’t want to scare you away.”  He said. 

   

     I felt my heart pounding through my blouse as I waited for his next words.  I wanted to get this conversation over with and forget all about this guy.

“Just tell me what’s going on.”  I said gently.

     He looked down towards his coffee and then took a long sip.  He wasn’t budging so I reached over to touch his hand.

           

“You can tell me whatever you need to.  I could handle it, I promise.”  I said

“I tried to tell you sooner but I wanted to wait for the perfect time.  I think now is the right time.”  He said then took another sip from his coffee.

“Ok, I’m ready.”  I said dying to hear all about his big secret.

“Ok.  Here goes.  I pass out during sex.”  He whispered still looking downward. 

“What?”  I blurted out loud.

“I pass out during sex.”  He whispered.

    Two things.  #1: I did NOT expect that and #2: I had no idea what the hell he was talking about?  I’ve worked in the medical industry for years.  I knew there had to be medical explanation for this.

 

“Do you have a heart condition?”  I asked. 

“Nope.  Everything just goes black and then I’m out like a light.”  He explained but it still didn’t make sense. 

“Do you get headaches?”  I asked.

            “Nope, I just pass out.  When that happens you have to slap me across the face and bring me a glass of water.”  He said giving me instructions on how to handle his episodes. 

     I had an unbelievable urge to reach across the table to slap him right then and there.  That would have felt so good!!! What motivated this person to tell me such a thing?  Did he want me to feel sorry for him because I didn’t!  

     I had so many questions about his “condition” so I kept asking medical inquiries.  None of his explanations were logical but I needed to understand this phenomenon.  He either had a rare condition or he was a big fat liar! I was relentless with my questions because I wanted to break him down.  He became visibly upset but I didn’t let up.

“Look, I don’t know what’s wrong with me and Doctor’s can’t figure it out.  All I know is that when it happens, you have to slap me across the face and bring me a glass of water.”  He said.

    

     I didn’t know how to respond to him so I just sat there in silence while I collected my thoughts.  So many questions flooded my head.  What would be the right thing to say right now?  Could I just get up and walk away?  What will a glass of water do for him if he passed out?  This was crazy! I was prepared for a break up speech, not some bullshit medical condition.

“I’m sorry but you’re not making sense. I’m willing to slap you if you’re into that.  You don’t have to make up this story.”  I said after staring at him blankly for a while.

“I’m not making anything up! I have a medical condition that doctors can’t figure out.”  He said angrily.

“Fine, you have a medical condition.  Relax Mark.”  I said.  

“I knew you were going to react this way.  I thought you would be understanding.”  He said

“Understanding?  I thought we were going to break up but instead I get some pathetic attempt for my empathy.  I’m sorry.  I can’t do this anymore.  I think we should just be friends.”  I said

            “Friends?  I just told you something personal about me and now you just want to be friends?”  He asked.

            “Yes.  I just want us to be friends.”  I said. 

            “Well, I don’t want to be your friend.”  He said

            “Ok then.  We are not friends.”  I said throwing cash on the table.

“You really are a Black Widow.”  He said.

“I guess I am.”  I said as I walked away.

    I wanted to defend myself and point out all of his flaws but I didn’t have the energy.  I called Kelly as soon as I got into my car to tell her what happened.  She was relieved that the nightmare was over but not as relieved as I was.  I promised her that I would never doubt her again and I never did.    

I Didn't Bring A Date, Again

     I love weddings.  I really do. There is something magical about watching two people promising to love each other, unconditionally, for eternity.   Of course there are many aspects of weddings that could make that day a nightmare for everyone involved.  (We’ve all played some role in this special ceremony so you know what I’m talking about.)  But all that crazy wedding drama doesn’t distract me from the reason why love weddings. That reason is the Bride and Groom.  I start to get emotional the moment when the groom looks into the bride’s eyes and then sob uncontrollably when they exchange their vows.   Within those few moments, everyone is reminded that they are there to celebrate the love between two people.  I know, it’s corny but that’s why I love weddings. 

     Ok, I got that out of the way.  Now, let me tell you why I don’t like attending weddings.  I am single.   Not only am I single, I am a single woman who is pushing forty.  I’ve come to terms with my relationship status but many people have not.  Guests at weddings either give me a pep talk or try to crack the mystery of why I’m still single.  I might as well wear a sign that says: No, I don’t have a boyfriend.   No, there’s nothing wrong with me.  Yes, I know that my biological clock is ticking.  Yes, I would like a vodka soda from the bar. Thank you.

      Things were so much easier when I had a boyfriend.  I got an invitation, checked off a box, bought a dress and showed up with a date.  No one cared about my boyfriend or me so no one said anything stupid.  Well, that all changed after my big break up.  It was obvious by their facial expressions that I confused a lot of people when I started to show up at weddings alone and then came the questions.  First I had to explain why I broke up with my loser boyfriend then I had to explain why I was still single.   I heard crap like:

“How could you break up with someone at your age?”

“You’re STILL single?  Didn’t you break up with him a few years ago?”

 “There has to be something wrong with you, what is it?”

“You’re obviously not dating the right way.”

“You must be too picky”

“Aren’t you afraid of being alone?”

 “What about kids? Don’t you want any?”

“You have a better chance getting hit by a bus than meeting someone now.  Beg your Ex to take you back!”

     I was speechless the first few times I heard these comments but I got used to them. Eventually, I came up with a polite and generic response to all of their ridiculous statements and quickly learned how to change the subject.

    I was used to people’s reactions of my single status by the time I found myself at a cousin’s wedding.  I quietly sat in the pew with rest of the bridesmaids when one of the other girls leaned in and asked if I was a lesbian.

“It’s ok if you are.  We’ve all talked about it and agreed that we will support you.”  She said with a warm smile. 

     It wasn’t the first time someone asked me that but it was the first time someone asked me that in church, during a wedding.  I started to giggle, uncontrollably. 

“Does my whole family think that?”  I asked between gasps of air.

“Yes.”  She whispered.

     The last thing I wanted to do was draw attention away from the bride and groom so I pinched myself a few times.

“Thank you for your support but I am not a lesbian.”  I responded and she started to giggle.

     I heard the typical statements at this reception and brushed them off.  I looked for a friendly face and thought I found one when I ran into an old family friend.  I knew that she was on her second divorce so I assumed that she was anxious about being there.  I decided to be overly friendly and ordered her a drink from the bar.  

            “You look beautiful! How have you been?”  I asked

            “I’m doing ok.  Since my divorce, things haven’t been easy.”  She said

            “I know. But look, you’re here today and you look amazing!”  I said.

    

    I was proud of myself.  I thought that my kind words made her feel good about being single again.   Secretly, I was thrilled to have a new friend.  There aren’t many of us single women left so we have to stick together.  I had it all planned out.  We could go to the movies, share single serving recipes and be each other’s wing girl when needed.  I didn’t want to freak her out so I kept our plans to myself. 

            “Where’s your date?”  She asked

            “I didn’t bring one.  I’m still single.”   I explained.

            “Are you serious?! It’s been years since you called off your wedding.  How could you still come to these things alone?”  She asked.

  

   Her words stunned me.  Out of all of the people at this reception, she was the last person I expected to make me feel like a huge outcast.  My initial reaction was to slap her but I didn’t want to cause a scene. I immediately stopped thinking of things to invite her to and went into defense mode. 

            “Meeting men now is a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I prefer to come to weddings alone than to bring just anybody.”  I said.

            “It wasn’t that difficult for me.  You see that guy over there.  He’s with me.”  She said pointing to a significantly younger man standing at the end of the bar. 

            “You brought someone?”  I asked

            “Hell yeah! I’m not going to be the talk of a wedding.”  She said.   

    

     I will admit that I was a little envious.  How the hell did she find someone so quickly?  I had to suppress my jealously and come up with a great comeback to make her shut up.  I didn’t get a chance to say anything because she opened her fat mouth again.

            “What are you waiting for, the perfect guy?  Well, I have news for you; he doesn’t exist!  Just find someone and get married for Christ’s sake.  Look at me, I’m working on my third husband right now.”  She continued proudly. 

            “I can’t do that!  I can’t rush into a relationship, especially marriage with just anybody.”  I said trying to stay calm.

            “You can’t be still single at our age; people are going to think there’s something wrong with you!  Look at me; I’m divorced and no one thinks there’s anything wrong with me.  Being divorced is acceptable, never been married is not acceptable, period.”  She said and my jealousy turned into anger.

            “I’m happy.  Doesn’t that count for anything?”  I asked.

            “No! That doesn’t count!  No one cares if you die happy; they care if you die alone.  Look, you can think whatever you want about me but at least I can say that I’ve been married.  Face it, you are a walking red flag and you don’t even know it.”  She said which pushed me over the edge!

            “You can stand here and lecture me all you want but your words are meaningless to me.  I have always been and I will always be a strong independent woman.  You have always been and it looks like you will always be a weak codependent leech.  Sure you can say that you’ve been married but at I can say that I’m genuinely happy with my life.  Get over yourself, you’re not that special.”  Is what I wanted to say but what I actually did was drop my head in shame and walked away.   Her words haunted me for months.

                        *                      *                      *                      *

     About a year after that obnoxious conversation, I got an invitation to a friend’s wedding.   I was so happy for them and pleased that they invited me but I was nervous.  I thought back to what that stupid girl said to me at my cousin’s reception and it upset me, again.  Part of me wanted to bring the disaster of a man I was doing the off again, on again dating crap with.  I came really close to inviting him but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it so I went alone.

     A friend of mine was also going to this wedding alone.  Apparently, her attorney boyfriend needed to work on a case so he couldn’t make it.  I was thrilled!   We arrived at the wedding together and didn’t care about the fact that we didn’t bring dates. It was all going well until we sat at our table.

     We took our seats next to our friends Sonia and Keith.  They’ve been married for years and are one of the few happy couples I know.  They knew I’ve been single for years but never made a big deal about it.  I didn’t know any of the other guests that sat at our table but I could tell that they were trying to figure us out.      

“Hi.  I’m Emanuela.”  I said introducing myself to the strangers and my friends did the same thing.

            “Where are your dates?  Don’t tell me you two girls are single.”  One of the women said. 

     My friend immediately set the record straight.

            “I have a boyfriend but he couldn’t make it tonight.”  She said then pointed at me to answer. 

      All eyes were on me as they waited for my response.  I was ready to tell them that I was single but something stopped me.  I was afraid of what they were going to think or say to me.  I couldn’t handle a repeat of a year ago.  My friends didn’t say a word while I struggled to describe my situation.

            “I’m divorced.”  I said then took a sip from my wine glass. 

     Sonia and Keith didn’t expect that answer but played along with me.

            “You caught him cheating on you, right?”  Keith asked

            “Yup.”  I said firmly.

            “You actually walked in on him, right?”  Sonia asked.

            “Yup.”  I replied again. 

            “I really liked Shane.   I’m still upset about your divorce.  Let’s toast him.” Keith said then raised his glass.

     I raised my glass too and encouraged everyone else at the table to do the same.

            “We miss you Shane.  We hope you’re happy.”  Keith said and I clanked my wine glass with everyone at the table. 

            “Did you know the woman he cheated on you with?”  One of the women asked.

            “Oh no.  I don’t think we should tell them.”  Sonia said.

“You might be right.  They might not be able to handle the truth.”  Keith said raising his glass again.

            “Let’s just toast to Shane again.  We hope you are happy in your new life.  We love you.”  Keith said as we all clanked our glasses again.

    I tried to contain my laughter but it was very difficult. 

            “Are you laughing?”  Another woman asked.

            “No, I’m crying.  I have Sjogren’s Disease.  I don’t produce tears.”  I explained.  It was the truth, I do have Sjogren’s, but I wasn’t crying.

            “Is it contagious?”  The woman said

            “No it’s not.”  I answered.

            “I think they deserve to know.  She walked in on him and another man.”  Keith said raising his glass to toast Shane again.

            “TO SHANE!”  Keith said then covered his face with his hand.

            “I think you should all get a visual of what poor Emanuela had to see.  He was wearing women’s underwear and his lover had a whip.”  Sonia added.

            “This toast is for YOU Emanuela!”  Keith said and everyone at the table toasted to me.

     This went on the whole night.   I contemplated telling them the truth because I’m not ashamed of being single but this was too much fun.  This was the first wedding I’ve been to in years where I didn’t have to defend myself for being single.  These people were kind and supportive of my situation and they might have been just as nice if I told them the truth but I didn’t want to chance it.  They believed and accepted this ridiculous story and I was ok with it.

            “You poor thing.  At least you tried marriage, don’t give up, you’ll be married again soon.”  The woman said.  

             "Thank you.  I think you're right."  I said with a smile.

This was the first and last time I told anyone that I was divorced.  I’m a bad liar and I really am not ashamed of being still single.   

Bathroom Boy

“Well, that was a waste of three months.”  I heard Donna say over the phone.                 

“Oh boy, I can’t wait to hear about this one.  What happened?”  I asked

“He went to the bathroom with another girl.”  She said calmly.

                  “What?  Repeat that please?”  I asked while I blew on my Sunday morning coffee. 

“Yeah, just what I said.  He left me at the bar and went into the bathroom with ANOTHER girl!”  She said but she wasn’t very calm this time.

     Donna and I usually walk at the reservoir on Sundays but we didn’t meet up this week.  She went out to celebrate her thirty-seventh birthday the night before with a guy she was dating.  She met him on-line a few months ago and they’ve been out several times.  I met him at happy hour one night and I thought he was a decent guy.  He was a good-looking guy but his charisma made him really good-looking.  I knew she wasn’t in love with him but I knew she liked him, a lot.  So when he wanted to take her out for a birthday drink, she was very excited. I think he should have taken her out for a birthday dinner but what do I know?

“Start from the beginning.”  I said, as I got comfortable on my couch.

Donna drew in a deep breath and began her story:

“We met at that sports bar close to my condo.  I got there first so I found two seats at the bar.  Apparently, I wasn’t the only one celebrating a birthday that night.  A group of twenty something year olds walked in and sat next to me.  It was one of the girls twenty-first birthday so they were really celebrating.  The hooting and hollering was cute at first but then they started to annoy the crap out of me.”  Donna said, painting a vivid picture.

“Do you remember your twenty first birthday?”  I asked trying to think back to mine.

“Not really.  Do you?”  She asked.

“Nope.  But I don’t think either one of us did any hooting.  Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.  Go on.”  I said. 

“Anyways, I wanted to tell them to shut up but I didn’t feel like getting into an argument.  Bathroom Boy finally showed up and sat in the seat I saved for him.  I wasn’t happy with what he had on.  I wore a nice outfit and he showed up wearing a tee shirt and a baseball hat.  Middle-aged men should not dress like a college boy.  But, I let it slide.  I didn’t want to fixate on his clothes but I did I want to move away from the twenty year olds.  I looked around but couldn’t find an empty spot so I tuned out the noise.  He had 100% of my attention and everything was going well.  We made eye contact, our conversation was engaging and he told me I looked beautiful.  What more can a girl ask for?  I thought everything was going great until the Birthday Girl became interested in Bathroom Guy.”   Donna said

 “What made you think that she was interested in him?”  I asked.

 “Well, she walked over to where he was sitting to order her drinks.  Then the rest of the girls walked over and surrounded him.  The Birthday Girl touched his arm a million times and flipped her long blonde hair back a bunch of times.  But the kicker was when she announced that she was “Soooooo drunk!”   At one point she reached over to pull Bathroom Boy’s hat off but he pulled back so she couldn’t reach it.”  Donna said.

“Ok Fine, it sounds like she was more than just interested in him.  How did you NOT lose it? What did he do? Was he uncomfortable?”  I asked.

“Are you kidding me?  He LOVED all of the attention! He smiled at them and interjected in their conversation.  Then you know what that stupid Birthday Girl did?  She arched her back to push out her boobs like a porn star!”  Donna yelled into the phone. 

“Seriously, why didn’t you do SOMETHING?“  I asked.

“Wait, it gets better.  He had to use the bathroom so he stood up and those crazy girls wouldn’t let him walk by.  The Birthday Girl got in his face and dared him to move her.  He just smiled and said excuse me but I didn’t like the way he said it.  He was flirting with her right in front of me!”  Donna screamed.

“Please tell me that you left.  You should have just left!”  I said.

“No, I didn’t leave.  Everything was happening so fast and I had a full glass of wine!”  Donna said which is a perfectly understandable reason to stay.

 “I watched him walk to the bathroom then I watched the Birthday Girl follow him to the unisex bathroom.  I kept my eyes on them until my phone beeped and I looked down to read a text.  I looked away for just a few seconds and they both disappeared.  I wanted to hunt him down but I didn’t want to make a scene.  I just sat there like an idiot and waited for him to return.   Eventually he did come back and suggested that we go to another bar. I didn’t want go anywhere with him!  The Birthday Girl stumbled back to her friends a few seconds later.  She said they HAD to leave and fast so they did.    I watched him closely then looked over at her and noticed that they stopped flirting.  They weren’t even looking at each other.”  Donna said.

“That’s really weird.  What do you think happened?  What did you do?”  I asked

“I didn’t want to say or do anything out of fear of looking like a psycho but I couldn’t control myself.  I drank my wine in one swallow, looked right into his eyes and asked what the hell happened with that girl.  He asked me what I was talking about.  I almost slapped him; it would have felt so good if I did. I asked him again, WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BATHROOM WITH THAT GIRL?  He started to sweat, his face turned bright red and he smirked and said “nothing”.  I swear I thought I was talking to a child so I asked him again. He shrugged his shoulders and did that stupid nervous laugh thing that guys do when they are about to lie.  I knew something happened so I asked him again, this time I grabbed the silverware from the bar.  I think I scared him because he finally told me that the Birthday Girl grabbed his hat off his head and ran into the bathroom.   He said he HAD to run in after her to get it back.  He didn’t have a choice.”  Donna said.

“You have to be kidding me!  What’s wrong with people?  I don’t blame the girl.  Don’t get me wrong, she was totally acting like an A-hole but he was on a date! Not to mention the fact that he’s in his mid forties.  He should have just let her have the stupid hat!  What a jackass!”  I yelled.

“I don’t’ know what exactly happened in that bathroom but that middle aged liar did something with that girl.  He kept insisting that we go to another bar and I kept insisting that he tells me what happened in the bathroom.  I know something big happened, why else would they ignore each other when they got back to the bar?  I was just about to stab him with a fork when the manager walked over and asked us to leave.  I was mortified!”  Donna shrieked.

“Wait, that’s weird.  Why did the manager ask you two to leave?”  I asked

  “Some one complained about him and the Birthday Girl.  Apparently, they took too long in the bathroom.  Can you believe it?  I’m so upset about the whole thing!” She said ending her saga.  

“Well, I guess you won’t be seeing that guy again.”  I said and she laughed.

“You’re right about that! I have to go.  I’ll call you back later.”  Donna said.

      After we hung up, I logged into my on line dating account.  I check my new messages and then I saw it: A message from Bathroom Boy.

                  “I don’t know if you remember me but we met a while ago.  I thought you had a great smile and would love to meet you for coffee.”

     I almost died!  My head raced with the foul things I wanted to say to him.  I composed a few replies but went with:

                  “I can not believe you had the nerve to send me this email.   You are too old to be chasing after young girls and too much of a moron to pursue me. Do Donna and me a favor and go fuck yourself.  P.S Thank you for the compliment.”