I spent
hours creating the perfect on-line dating profile and my friends played a huge
role in editing it. The goal was to have
a cute and informative summary to capture the attention of a quality man. My other goal was to get my lazy ass off my
couch and go on a date! I couldn’t
remember the last time I had dinner with potential boyfriend plus, it was
summer and I was bored.
I made sure
to include the important crap like how much I LOVE hiking and good conversation. The other important detail I
needed to share was the fact that I was 99.9% sure that I didn’t want to have
children. Thankfully there was a box I
could just check of regarding reproducing. The good thing was that a lot of the age
appropriate men on this dating site were single dads. Most of them were not interested in having
more children and I was fine with that.
On-line
courting was tedious and annoying but eventually I got a face-to-face date with
The Happy Irish Guy. I wore a cute
summer dress and wedges; he wore cargo shorts, a tee shirt and flip-flops. I didn’t judge, I smiled and said it was
nice to meet him.
“Sorry I’m
late, I couldn’t find this place!” He
said as he sat on the bar chair next to mine.
“That’s
ok.” I said.
“I’m glad
you're not one of those girls that gets pissed off at everything.” He said.
“Oh. Okay then.”
I replied politely.
My first impression
wasn’t good but he won me over. We
started out with the typical small talk stuff and his robust laugh was
infectious. He showed me a picture of
his red headed six-year old son and immediately explained that he got his red
hair from his Irish ancestors. He was
very proud of his Irish heritage and I thought that was charming. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol but I was having
fun. I noticed that we were the only two
sitting at the bar but the bartenders didn’t seem to mind. I could tell they were listening to us but I
didn’t care. Well, I didn’t care at
first.
“So, you
really don’t want to have children?” He
asked
“I really
don’t. When I was younger I wanted to
have three kids, two boys and a girl, but that didn’t happen. I’m older now and the thought of childbirth
and raising children exhausts me. I’m
honestly not interested in having kids but I think I would make a great
stepmother!” I explained.
I was proud of my reply. I thought I won some points there!
“You’re not
too old! I could see you having a couple
of kids. I want to have four more!” He said.
“Really. Your profile said you didn’t want to have
more kids.” I said.
“I didn’t
think I did until I met you!” He said.
I freaked
out. What the hell does that mean? What could I have possibly said to make him
change his mind about having kids? Now
what do I do?
“I’m not
sure what to say.” I said nervously.
“There’s
nothing to say! I think we could do
this, we could have four kids together.”
He said
“But I
don’t want four kids.” I said smiling.
“Yes you
do. You would be a wonderful
mother. Besides, our daughters would be
beautiful!” He said
“I’m sure that
if I had daughters that they would be beautiful. However, I don’t want to find out. I don’t want to have children.” I explained.
I could
tell that the bartenders were trying not to listen but how could they not? Our good conversation was going bad quickly. I wanted to ask him why he thought I would make
a wonderful mother. He has only known me
for two hours and twelve minutes and I’ve been on my best behavior. He doesn’t know that snot running down a
child’s face makes me gag or that I think medicating a child to get them to
sleep is a great idea. (Don’t freak out,
I know it’s wrong)
I changed
the subject many times but he kept bringing it back to knocking me up. The more he tried to convince me to have
children the more adamant I was in not having them. He described a life of sleepless nights and
diaper changing and I was not impressed.
He called himself the baby whisperer and I begged him not to elaborate
but he did. Apparently he has a way to
get a baby to stop crying. I wanted to
know if he had a way to shut his own mouth!
I planned my escape as he described how he
used to cradle his infant son and sang a lullaby. Then he did the most bizarre thing I have
ever been a part of. He leaned his head
over my lap and dangled his hands over my abdomen. As his fingers danced over my stomach he
sang:
“Don’t you want a little baby growing in your
belly?” as his fingers lingered over me.
I was
shocked! I immediately looked over at the bartenders and noticed they were trying
not to laugh. I wanted to
disappear. I also wanted to beat the hell
out this guy. How dare he humiliate me
like this? It was time for me to end
this date! I gently pushed him away from
me then checked my phone. I’m not sure
what excuse I made but whatever I said worked.
Before I knew it, I was driving home and on the phone with one of my
girlfriends. She thought he was a dream
come true and wondered why I didn’t think he was a great catch. I reminded my friend whom she was talking to
and she laughed.
I couldn’t help thinking that if
the tables were turned and I was the one talking about babies, I would be
described as a middle aged, baby crazed woman.
A man talks about children on the first date and he’s a dream come
true. Interesting.
