I Didn't Bring A Date, Again

     I love weddings.  I really do. There is something magical about watching two people promising to love each other, unconditionally, for eternity.   Of course there are many aspects of weddings that could make that day a nightmare for everyone involved.  (We’ve all played some role in this special ceremony so you know what I’m talking about.)  But all that crazy wedding drama doesn’t distract me from the reason why love weddings. That reason is the Bride and Groom.  I start to get emotional the moment when the groom looks into the bride’s eyes and then sob uncontrollably when they exchange their vows.   Within those few moments, everyone is reminded that they are there to celebrate the love between two people.  I know, it’s corny but that’s why I love weddings. 

     Ok, I got that out of the way.  Now, let me tell you why I don’t like attending weddings.  I am single.   Not only am I single, I am a single woman who is pushing forty.  I’ve come to terms with my relationship status but many people have not.  Guests at weddings either give me a pep talk or try to crack the mystery of why I’m still single.  I might as well wear a sign that says: No, I don’t have a boyfriend.   No, there’s nothing wrong with me.  Yes, I know that my biological clock is ticking.  Yes, I would like a vodka soda from the bar. Thank you.

      Things were so much easier when I had a boyfriend.  I got an invitation, checked off a box, bought a dress and showed up with a date.  No one cared about my boyfriend or me so no one said anything stupid.  Well, that all changed after my big break up.  It was obvious by their facial expressions that I confused a lot of people when I started to show up at weddings alone and then came the questions.  First I had to explain why I broke up with my loser boyfriend then I had to explain why I was still single.   I heard crap like:

“How could you break up with someone at your age?”

“You’re STILL single?  Didn’t you break up with him a few years ago?”

 “There has to be something wrong with you, what is it?”

“You’re obviously not dating the right way.”

“You must be too picky”

“Aren’t you afraid of being alone?”

 “What about kids? Don’t you want any?”

“You have a better chance getting hit by a bus than meeting someone now.  Beg your Ex to take you back!”

     I was speechless the first few times I heard these comments but I got used to them. Eventually, I came up with a polite and generic response to all of their ridiculous statements and quickly learned how to change the subject.

    I was used to people’s reactions of my single status by the time I found myself at a cousin’s wedding.  I quietly sat in the pew with rest of the bridesmaids when one of the other girls leaned in and asked if I was a lesbian.

“It’s ok if you are.  We’ve all talked about it and agreed that we will support you.”  She said with a warm smile. 

     It wasn’t the first time someone asked me that but it was the first time someone asked me that in church, during a wedding.  I started to giggle, uncontrollably. 

“Does my whole family think that?”  I asked between gasps of air.

“Yes.”  She whispered.

     The last thing I wanted to do was draw attention away from the bride and groom so I pinched myself a few times.

“Thank you for your support but I am not a lesbian.”  I responded and she started to giggle.

     I heard the typical statements at this reception and brushed them off.  I looked for a friendly face and thought I found one when I ran into an old family friend.  I knew that she was on her second divorce so I assumed that she was anxious about being there.  I decided to be overly friendly and ordered her a drink from the bar.  

            “You look beautiful! How have you been?”  I asked

            “I’m doing ok.  Since my divorce, things haven’t been easy.”  She said

            “I know. But look, you’re here today and you look amazing!”  I said.

    

    I was proud of myself.  I thought that my kind words made her feel good about being single again.   Secretly, I was thrilled to have a new friend.  There aren’t many of us single women left so we have to stick together.  I had it all planned out.  We could go to the movies, share single serving recipes and be each other’s wing girl when needed.  I didn’t want to freak her out so I kept our plans to myself. 

            “Where’s your date?”  She asked

            “I didn’t bring one.  I’m still single.”   I explained.

            “Are you serious?! It’s been years since you called off your wedding.  How could you still come to these things alone?”  She asked.

  

   Her words stunned me.  Out of all of the people at this reception, she was the last person I expected to make me feel like a huge outcast.  My initial reaction was to slap her but I didn’t want to cause a scene. I immediately stopped thinking of things to invite her to and went into defense mode. 

            “Meeting men now is a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I prefer to come to weddings alone than to bring just anybody.”  I said.

            “It wasn’t that difficult for me.  You see that guy over there.  He’s with me.”  She said pointing to a significantly younger man standing at the end of the bar. 

            “You brought someone?”  I asked

            “Hell yeah! I’m not going to be the talk of a wedding.”  She said.   

    

     I will admit that I was a little envious.  How the hell did she find someone so quickly?  I had to suppress my jealously and come up with a great comeback to make her shut up.  I didn’t get a chance to say anything because she opened her fat mouth again.

            “What are you waiting for, the perfect guy?  Well, I have news for you; he doesn’t exist!  Just find someone and get married for Christ’s sake.  Look at me, I’m working on my third husband right now.”  She continued proudly. 

            “I can’t do that!  I can’t rush into a relationship, especially marriage with just anybody.”  I said trying to stay calm.

            “You can’t be still single at our age; people are going to think there’s something wrong with you!  Look at me; I’m divorced and no one thinks there’s anything wrong with me.  Being divorced is acceptable, never been married is not acceptable, period.”  She said and my jealousy turned into anger.

            “I’m happy.  Doesn’t that count for anything?”  I asked.

            “No! That doesn’t count!  No one cares if you die happy; they care if you die alone.  Look, you can think whatever you want about me but at least I can say that I’ve been married.  Face it, you are a walking red flag and you don’t even know it.”  She said which pushed me over the edge!

            “You can stand here and lecture me all you want but your words are meaningless to me.  I have always been and I will always be a strong independent woman.  You have always been and it looks like you will always be a weak codependent leech.  Sure you can say that you’ve been married but at I can say that I’m genuinely happy with my life.  Get over yourself, you’re not that special.”  Is what I wanted to say but what I actually did was drop my head in shame and walked away.   Her words haunted me for months.

                        *                      *                      *                      *

     About a year after that obnoxious conversation, I got an invitation to a friend’s wedding.   I was so happy for them and pleased that they invited me but I was nervous.  I thought back to what that stupid girl said to me at my cousin’s reception and it upset me, again.  Part of me wanted to bring the disaster of a man I was doing the off again, on again dating crap with.  I came really close to inviting him but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it so I went alone.

     A friend of mine was also going to this wedding alone.  Apparently, her attorney boyfriend needed to work on a case so he couldn’t make it.  I was thrilled!   We arrived at the wedding together and didn’t care about the fact that we didn’t bring dates. It was all going well until we sat at our table.

     We took our seats next to our friends Sonia and Keith.  They’ve been married for years and are one of the few happy couples I know.  They knew I’ve been single for years but never made a big deal about it.  I didn’t know any of the other guests that sat at our table but I could tell that they were trying to figure us out.      

“Hi.  I’m Emanuela.”  I said introducing myself to the strangers and my friends did the same thing.

            “Where are your dates?  Don’t tell me you two girls are single.”  One of the women said. 

     My friend immediately set the record straight.

            “I have a boyfriend but he couldn’t make it tonight.”  She said then pointed at me to answer. 

      All eyes were on me as they waited for my response.  I was ready to tell them that I was single but something stopped me.  I was afraid of what they were going to think or say to me.  I couldn’t handle a repeat of a year ago.  My friends didn’t say a word while I struggled to describe my situation.

            “I’m divorced.”  I said then took a sip from my wine glass. 

     Sonia and Keith didn’t expect that answer but played along with me.

            “You caught him cheating on you, right?”  Keith asked

            “Yup.”  I said firmly.

            “You actually walked in on him, right?”  Sonia asked.

            “Yup.”  I replied again. 

            “I really liked Shane.   I’m still upset about your divorce.  Let’s toast him.” Keith said then raised his glass.

     I raised my glass too and encouraged everyone else at the table to do the same.

            “We miss you Shane.  We hope you’re happy.”  Keith said and I clanked my wine glass with everyone at the table. 

            “Did you know the woman he cheated on you with?”  One of the women asked.

            “Oh no.  I don’t think we should tell them.”  Sonia said.

“You might be right.  They might not be able to handle the truth.”  Keith said raising his glass again.

            “Let’s just toast to Shane again.  We hope you are happy in your new life.  We love you.”  Keith said as we all clanked our glasses again.

    I tried to contain my laughter but it was very difficult. 

            “Are you laughing?”  Another woman asked.

            “No, I’m crying.  I have Sjogren’s Disease.  I don’t produce tears.”  I explained.  It was the truth, I do have Sjogren’s, but I wasn’t crying.

            “Is it contagious?”  The woman said

            “No it’s not.”  I answered.

            “I think they deserve to know.  She walked in on him and another man.”  Keith said raising his glass to toast Shane again.

            “TO SHANE!”  Keith said then covered his face with his hand.

            “I think you should all get a visual of what poor Emanuela had to see.  He was wearing women’s underwear and his lover had a whip.”  Sonia added.

            “This toast is for YOU Emanuela!”  Keith said and everyone at the table toasted to me.

     This went on the whole night.   I contemplated telling them the truth because I’m not ashamed of being single but this was too much fun.  This was the first wedding I’ve been to in years where I didn’t have to defend myself for being single.  These people were kind and supportive of my situation and they might have been just as nice if I told them the truth but I didn’t want to chance it.  They believed and accepted this ridiculous story and I was ok with it.

            “You poor thing.  At least you tried marriage, don’t give up, you’ll be married again soon.”  The woman said.  

             "Thank you.  I think you're right."  I said with a smile.

This was the first and last time I told anyone that I was divorced.  I’m a bad liar and I really am not ashamed of being still single.   

Bathroom Boy

“Well, that was a waste of three months.”  I heard Donna say over the phone.                 

“Oh boy, I can’t wait to hear about this one.  What happened?”  I asked

“He went to the bathroom with another girl.”  She said calmly.

                  “What?  Repeat that please?”  I asked while I blew on my Sunday morning coffee. 

“Yeah, just what I said.  He left me at the bar and went into the bathroom with ANOTHER girl!”  She said but she wasn’t very calm this time.

     Donna and I usually walk at the reservoir on Sundays but we didn’t meet up this week.  She went out to celebrate her thirty-seventh birthday the night before with a guy she was dating.  She met him on-line a few months ago and they’ve been out several times.  I met him at happy hour one night and I thought he was a decent guy.  He was a good-looking guy but his charisma made him really good-looking.  I knew she wasn’t in love with him but I knew she liked him, a lot.  So when he wanted to take her out for a birthday drink, she was very excited. I think he should have taken her out for a birthday dinner but what do I know?

“Start from the beginning.”  I said, as I got comfortable on my couch.

Donna drew in a deep breath and began her story:

“We met at that sports bar close to my condo.  I got there first so I found two seats at the bar.  Apparently, I wasn’t the only one celebrating a birthday that night.  A group of twenty something year olds walked in and sat next to me.  It was one of the girls twenty-first birthday so they were really celebrating.  The hooting and hollering was cute at first but then they started to annoy the crap out of me.”  Donna said, painting a vivid picture.

“Do you remember your twenty first birthday?”  I asked trying to think back to mine.

“Not really.  Do you?”  She asked.

“Nope.  But I don’t think either one of us did any hooting.  Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.  Go on.”  I said. 

“Anyways, I wanted to tell them to shut up but I didn’t feel like getting into an argument.  Bathroom Boy finally showed up and sat in the seat I saved for him.  I wasn’t happy with what he had on.  I wore a nice outfit and he showed up wearing a tee shirt and a baseball hat.  Middle-aged men should not dress like a college boy.  But, I let it slide.  I didn’t want to fixate on his clothes but I did I want to move away from the twenty year olds.  I looked around but couldn’t find an empty spot so I tuned out the noise.  He had 100% of my attention and everything was going well.  We made eye contact, our conversation was engaging and he told me I looked beautiful.  What more can a girl ask for?  I thought everything was going great until the Birthday Girl became interested in Bathroom Guy.”   Donna said

 “What made you think that she was interested in him?”  I asked.

 “Well, she walked over to where he was sitting to order her drinks.  Then the rest of the girls walked over and surrounded him.  The Birthday Girl touched his arm a million times and flipped her long blonde hair back a bunch of times.  But the kicker was when she announced that she was “Soooooo drunk!”   At one point she reached over to pull Bathroom Boy’s hat off but he pulled back so she couldn’t reach it.”  Donna said.

“Ok Fine, it sounds like she was more than just interested in him.  How did you NOT lose it? What did he do? Was he uncomfortable?”  I asked.

“Are you kidding me?  He LOVED all of the attention! He smiled at them and interjected in their conversation.  Then you know what that stupid Birthday Girl did?  She arched her back to push out her boobs like a porn star!”  Donna yelled into the phone. 

“Seriously, why didn’t you do SOMETHING?“  I asked.

“Wait, it gets better.  He had to use the bathroom so he stood up and those crazy girls wouldn’t let him walk by.  The Birthday Girl got in his face and dared him to move her.  He just smiled and said excuse me but I didn’t like the way he said it.  He was flirting with her right in front of me!”  Donna screamed.

“Please tell me that you left.  You should have just left!”  I said.

“No, I didn’t leave.  Everything was happening so fast and I had a full glass of wine!”  Donna said which is a perfectly understandable reason to stay.

 “I watched him walk to the bathroom then I watched the Birthday Girl follow him to the unisex bathroom.  I kept my eyes on them until my phone beeped and I looked down to read a text.  I looked away for just a few seconds and they both disappeared.  I wanted to hunt him down but I didn’t want to make a scene.  I just sat there like an idiot and waited for him to return.   Eventually he did come back and suggested that we go to another bar. I didn’t want go anywhere with him!  The Birthday Girl stumbled back to her friends a few seconds later.  She said they HAD to leave and fast so they did.    I watched him closely then looked over at her and noticed that they stopped flirting.  They weren’t even looking at each other.”  Donna said.

“That’s really weird.  What do you think happened?  What did you do?”  I asked

“I didn’t want to say or do anything out of fear of looking like a psycho but I couldn’t control myself.  I drank my wine in one swallow, looked right into his eyes and asked what the hell happened with that girl.  He asked me what I was talking about.  I almost slapped him; it would have felt so good if I did. I asked him again, WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BATHROOM WITH THAT GIRL?  He started to sweat, his face turned bright red and he smirked and said “nothing”.  I swear I thought I was talking to a child so I asked him again. He shrugged his shoulders and did that stupid nervous laugh thing that guys do when they are about to lie.  I knew something happened so I asked him again, this time I grabbed the silverware from the bar.  I think I scared him because he finally told me that the Birthday Girl grabbed his hat off his head and ran into the bathroom.   He said he HAD to run in after her to get it back.  He didn’t have a choice.”  Donna said.

“You have to be kidding me!  What’s wrong with people?  I don’t blame the girl.  Don’t get me wrong, she was totally acting like an A-hole but he was on a date! Not to mention the fact that he’s in his mid forties.  He should have just let her have the stupid hat!  What a jackass!”  I yelled.

“I don’t’ know what exactly happened in that bathroom but that middle aged liar did something with that girl.  He kept insisting that we go to another bar and I kept insisting that he tells me what happened in the bathroom.  I know something big happened, why else would they ignore each other when they got back to the bar?  I was just about to stab him with a fork when the manager walked over and asked us to leave.  I was mortified!”  Donna shrieked.

“Wait, that’s weird.  Why did the manager ask you two to leave?”  I asked

  “Some one complained about him and the Birthday Girl.  Apparently, they took too long in the bathroom.  Can you believe it?  I’m so upset about the whole thing!” She said ending her saga.  

“Well, I guess you won’t be seeing that guy again.”  I said and she laughed.

“You’re right about that! I have to go.  I’ll call you back later.”  Donna said.

      After we hung up, I logged into my on line dating account.  I check my new messages and then I saw it: A message from Bathroom Boy.

                  “I don’t know if you remember me but we met a while ago.  I thought you had a great smile and would love to meet you for coffee.”

     I almost died!  My head raced with the foul things I wanted to say to him.  I composed a few replies but went with:

                  “I can not believe you had the nerve to send me this email.   You are too old to be chasing after young girls and too much of a moron to pursue me. Do Donna and me a favor and go fuck yourself.  P.S Thank you for the compliment.”

Tea Guy

After weeding through numerous of predictable emails from potential on-line dates and rejecting many “winks” I found one guy that had potential. He sent me a short and to the point email:

“I read your profile and I’d like meet you if you’re interested.” 

     The first thing I did after I read his message is what everyone who is dating on-line does, I checked out his pictures.  He looked great in his profile photo but not so great in the other three photos he posted.  It wasn’t a deal breaker though.  I guess one good photo is better than NO good photo.  Since he wasn’t repulsive, I went ahead and read the rest of his profile to see if he met my criteria.  His profile revealed that he was geographically desirable, age appropriate, employed and educated.  He sounded like a winner!

    

     I know my description of this guy doesn’t sound romantic but I wanted a real boyfriend.  In order to get one, I had to search strategically for an appropriate mate and he had to have more going for him than just a pretty face.  Trust me I love a pretty face just as much as the next girl but I’m done with all that drama.  Dating pretty face guys start out with fireworks but end up with me wanting to fill out a missing person report.  It’s really no mystery as to why they disappear.  Pretty face men have multiple women at their disposal so it’s easy for them to get distracted.  It sucks.

   

     This time, I searched for an average guy who has little charisma and a lot of heart.   Don’t get me wrong, attraction is very important but I have to be practical.  I need a man with substance and who is willing to date me and only me.  If that means he is not going to be drop dead gorgeous then so be it.  My goal was to meet a normal guy and this blond hair guy fit what I was looking for.

    

     I replied to his message and included my phone number.  No sense in doing the email thing for too long.  Email relationships are annoying and unfulfilling.  If he wanted to meet then he’d have to call me and ask me out like a proper man; which he did.

“This is sort of weird, don’t you think?”  He asked when he called later that same night.

     

      I wasn’t sure what he meant by “weird.” I would have asked for clarification but I didn’t want to be rude.

“It really is weird.”  I said then giggled out of nervousness. 

“You have a cute laugh.”  He said which made me more anxious so I giggled again.

      I must have sounded like a teenage girl or a mental patient.  Either way, I had to stop giggling and fast!

    

     I liked this guy.  He was very sweet, easy to talk to and a little flirty.   He asked questions about my career and my interests and he was actually listening.   It was refreshing to have someone genuinely interested in what I had to say.   I couldn’t wait to meet my soon to be boyfriend!

 “Where and when do you want to meet?”  I asked taking control of the conversation.   I didn’t want to get wrapped up in his charm before we met.

“How about Sunday afternoon at that tea bar on Farmington Ave?  They have a great tea selection.”  He suggested.

         

 This was the first time a guy suggested that we meet for tea but I was into it. 

                  

          “Sounds great!  See you Sunday.”  I said then ended the call. 

     

     I liked the way that phone call went and I was genuinely excited to meet Tea Guy!

                                                 *                *                *

     I ran through the questions I prepared in my head while I drove to the tea bar that Sunday Autumn afternoon. I had a lot riding on this date and I didn’t want to screw it up by not asking the right things.  Based on his on-line profile and our one telephone conversation, I knew that he was the right guy for me.  Now all I had to do was make this guy realize that I was perfect for him.

  

“Please look like the good picture.” I whispered to myself as I pulled open the restaurant’s door. 

     

      I scanned the nearly empty room and noticed a man that slightly resembled his profile photo sitting in a booth.  I knew he wasn’t going to be prettier in person but part of me hoped that his face would have magically changed.  It didn’t happen.

     

      I walked towards him with a fake smile and reminded myself that it wasn’t all about appearances.  I did my best to hide my disappointment and remembered that I was there to meet a decent man, not a pretty man.

      We greeted each other in the usual awkward half hug manner and he suggested that we sit outside.  I followed him to the back doors and noticed that he was really tall and I liked that.  He chose a table in the corner and our date began.  Well, it sort of did.

     

     We sat in silence as we read through the extensive tea menu.  I commented on the weather and he grunted.  I commented on the menu and he just smiled.  I started to panic.  One of us had to get this date rolling.  The silence was killing me! I thought back on our magical phone conversation to find a topic to talk about.

“Is this still weird?”  I asked.

“What do you mean by weird?”  He asked which stumped me.

     

     I wanted to say that HE was acting weird!  We are not talking and he barley responded to my generic comments.  He obviously didn’t remember our telephone conversation.  If he did than he would have known that he used the word “weird” first! I wanted to shake him and demand to know what he did with he guy I spoke with on the phone. 

                  

                  “The whole on-line dating thing.”  I replied thinking it was a safe answer.

                  “Not really. I’ve been doing the on-line dating thing for over a year now.  It’s not weird at all.”  He said. 

     

      Well, that was embarrassing.  This date was not going well and I think it was because he was just as disappointed in me as I was in him.  I wasn’t thrilled about my revelation but there wasn’t anything I could do except to make one last attempt to win him over.

“They serve a lot of types of teas here!”  I said enthusiastically.

“Yes they do.  I can tell a lot about a person based on the kind of tea they drink.”  He said proudly.

“Really?  That’s interesting.”  I said. 

    

      It really wasn’t interesting but at least he started to talk.  I hoped that we could get on track and maybe get over whatever it was that disappointed us and fall in love.

                 

                 “Yeah, it’s fascinating how right I am about the person every time.”  He said then asked a series of questions about tea:

                  “Do you drink tea at home?  What’s the most exotic tea you have ever tasted?  Did you know that you have to let the tea bag sit in hot water for at least three minutes before drinking it?” 

     

       I answered each inquiry with as much excitement as I could muster up.  He droned on and on about the correlation between tealeaves and the type of people who drink them. It was painfully boring.

“So, which tea are you thinking of trying?”  He asked while our server waited to take our order.

    

      I feared that my choice of tea would seal the deal for this guy so I began to panic.  The last thing I wanted to do was seem uncool to the Tea Guy.  I thought that he would storm out of there if I didn’t order something trendy.  What the hell is a trendy tea?  I couldn’t think under all this pressure. 

                  

            “I’m going to go with Earl Gray.”  I said to our server then snapped my menu shut.

“Don’t you want to try something more interesting?”  Tea Guy asked with a disapproving look. 

     

      I thought about changing my order but then I remembered that I was the one who will be drinking the tea and I wanted Earl Grey.  Besides, his tea theory was ridiculous and lame.

                  

                  "No, I don’t.”  I said with a smile.

     It became perfectly clear to me that I totally blew it with this guy but I was fine with it. I wanted to get out of there just as badly as he did but neither one of us knew how to do that politely. 

                  

            “What’s your favorite restaurant?”  I asked trying to make the remainder of our date tolerable.

“There’s an Irish place I love down the street from here.”  He answered. 

                  “I know that place.”  I said

                  “Do you know the bartender Anne?”  He asked

                  “Yes, I do know Anne.”  I replied

     

      His eyes lite up and his face turned red.  He started to breath heavily and beads of sweat appeared on his upper lip.  I waited for him to compose himself before I asked him how he knew her.

                 

                  “I met her at the restaurant but I run into her every time I go out.  She’s always so nice to me.”  He said still blushing.

                  “Are you dating her?”  I asked

                  “No, I’m not!”  He said sternly while he shook his head no. 

                  “Oh, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to get too personal.”  I said.

                  “No, it’s ok.  I tried to date her but it didn’t work out.”  He admitted.

     

       He told me how much he admired her and how beautiful he thought she was.  He described her hair and how much he “loved” it when it fell in her face.  He also mentioned that he “loved” how petite she was and how much he “loved” her smile.  The way he talked about Anne was borderline creepy and completely offensive.  His blatant disrespect for me stung but I was able to contain my rage.

   He stopped talking for a few seconds to look at me. 

“I’m sorry.  I’m rambling.”  He said

“No, that’s ok.”  I said while shaking my leg under the table.

“I just need to tell you this one last thing about her but please don’t let her know I told you this.”  He said while he licked his lips. 

 “What is it?” I asked before I blew on my hot tea.

“Do you want to know what Anne wore at the cocktail party?”  He asked.

“Not really but it looks like you’re dying to tell me so go ahead.”  I said then sipped my hot tea.

     His creepiness quickly morphed into obsession right in front of my eyes as he started to talk about the cocktail party.  I noticed tiny veins pulsating on his temples when he asked if I knew what body paint was.  I nodded my head yes and waited to hear the rest of this crap.

                  “Anne has an amazing body.” He said for the tenth time then went into details about every inch of her perfect body. 

                  “How do you know so much about her body?”  I asked suspiciously.

                  “Because I saw it! I ran into her at that cocktail party where the majority of women walked around wearing only body paint, including Anne!”  He said.

                  “What do you mean?  Women walked around naked?”  I asked

                  “Yeah but the paint covered all of the important parts. It was thick paint so it was ok.”  He said.

                  “Thank God for thick paint!”  I said then called over our server.

                  “I’m sorry.  Maybe I shouldn’t have told you that.”  He said. 

                  “Don’t worry about it.”  I said.  I couldn’t hide my disappointment any longer.

    

      I asked our server for our tab and she gave it to us right away.   Tea Guy picked up the plastic holder and opened it.  He took his time going over the charges before he placed the plastic folder with the bill facing up in front of me.  The total bill was $5.56.  I know this because he pointed to the total and suggested that I leave $3!

      I couldn’t believe this jackass!   I controlled my urge to slap him and cursed at him in my head.  I wanted to ask him if he was serious but I knew that I would have screamed it and I didn’t want to make a scene.  I didn’t have any issue with paying however, I did have a problem with the way he placed the bill in front of me!  I pulled out $3 from my wallet and placed it on top of the bill.  

“You know what.  Let me get this, you’re a cheap date.”   He said pulling the bill away from me with a stupid smile. I let out a fake laugh and thanked him.

  

      I couldn’t wait to get out of there!  He walked me to my car and casually set up another date.  I had no intentions of ever seeing Tea Guy again.

     I thought about my date on the drive home and wondered why this guy was on a dating site.  Clearly he’s in love with Anne.  He might have been trying to get over her but wasting my time wasn’t going to work.  What Tea Guy really needed to do was get off dating sites, find a good therapist and stop stalking Anne!

I Once Met A Man in Nantucket

     One of the prettiest places in New England is Nantucket.  It's located in Massachusetts and a short boat ride away from Cape Cod.  This popular vacation spot for many Bostonians looks like a backdrop for a Nautical photo shoot. If you’ve been to Nantucket then you know the type of people that vacation there.  For those of you who have never been, there’s only word I could use that best describes the majority these vacationers.  Wealthy. 

     This beautiful Island is inundated with people wearing the bright colors of Lilly Pulitzer and whales from the Vineyard Vines line.  Pearly white smiles, hair extensions and Botox runs ramped here along with diamonds and gold.  I know it sounds tacky but it’s far from it.  For some reason, these people can elegantly pull off the bling. It’s weird.

    Once a year this prestige area holds a sailboat race called Figawi.  Figawi takes place every Memorial Day weekend and the partying is crazy.  I don’t know the history of this race but I do know it draws an incredible amount of people from various income brackets.  This particular year, I was on of those people.

     My friend Mel grew up in Cape Cod and has lived in Boston for years.  Figawi weekend has always been a big deal for her and she usually rents a house for the event.  For some reason, she wasn't able to rent a home this year but she still wanted to celebrate the holiday weekend and get to Nantucket at some point.  She knew I didn't have any major plans for the long weekend so she invited me to stay with her in Boston. 

            “Stay the whole weekend.  We’ll go over to Nantucket for lunch or something.”   Mel said over the phone but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to stay that long.  Not to mention the fact that the only way to get to Nantucket is by boat.  Again, I don't like boating.

     My initial plan was to drive to Boston Friday night for dinner then return home Saturday.  However, once I entered Mel’s home and she handed me an ice cold drink I knew I was staying for the whole weekend.

“My friend is taking us over to Nantucket on his boat tomorrow.  We’ll see if we can get a room, just in case.”  Mel informed me Saturday night over drinks.   

“Sounds good to me!”  I said.  Clearly I was intoxicated.

    

     Mel’s friend still lives in Cape Cod and owns a huge boat.  They have been friends for years and he has always been generous to us girls.  The only thing he asks from us is to be punctual and to be neat.  So, when he offered to take us over to Nantucket Sunday, we knew we needed to be at his house in the Cape on time.  That meant our friend Jan had to wait for us on the busy streets of Boston with her overnight bag. 

    I worried about the boat ride mostly because I didn’t want to make a mess on his boat.  Before I had time to fixate on my fears, we were on a boat and making overnight accommodations.

    I know you’re all wondering if I survived.  Well, I wore a life jacket and prayed the entire thirty minutes so I was fine.  My friends applauded me when we docked and I appreciated their support.

“That was a pleasant surprise.  Let’s hope the ride home is also uneventful.”  I said as we walked to our hotel.

 We headed to lunch after we checked into our room.  As we approached the restaurant I noticed a line of people waiting for a table.  This was my first time here so I was unaware of the dress code.  I had on a $6 summer dress from H&M circa 2007 while everyone around me wore $1000 outfits.  I could feel the stares from the women as I walked by them and I will admit that I was a little intimidated.  We reached the restaurant and I took my place in line behind a woman wearing a big floppy hat.

“What are you doing?”  Mel asked me

“Waiting in line.” I explained.

“We don’t wait in line in Nantucket. “  She said grabbing my hand.

 Apparently Mel’s friend is well known here so he gets the VIP treatment.   It felt pretty damn good to strut by the swanky ladies.  

            “Good day.”  I said under my breath as I walked by them.

     The wait staff in the restaurant made sure they took very good care of us and I didn’t question a thing.  The food was amazing, the drinks were delicious and the service was outstanding.  We had a blast!

           

“You girls go have your fun and meet me at Lola 41 for dinner.” He said as we walked through the crowded coble streets.  We agreed then synchronized our watches before we went our separate ways. 

            “Here we go!”  Mel said directly to Jan.  I simply smiled not knowing what I was in for.

    We bounced from one jammed packed bar to another.  Jan handed me bright color cocktails while Mel snapped pictures with her camera.  After a few drink, I completely forgot the fact that I was among with wealthy.  

            “Do you want me to take your pictures?”  Some guy asked.

            “SURE!”  Mel replied handing him her camera. 

            “Spin around in circles a few times.”  He said as he snapped pictures.  It was odd but we didn’t care, we were having fun.  

            “Come on! You girls are coming on our boat.”  He said leading us out of the bar.   Of course we had no choice but to follow the handsome man and his friends.

     We exchanged names as we walked to the marina and the usual small talk took place.  These guys were loud and a lot of fun.  They fit right in with the rest of the crowd. I figured the marina would be a quite compared to the bars but I was wrong.  I heard a lot of "WoooHooo" coming from boats that played loud music.
  We climbed onto the docked boat and that’s when I saw him; Nantucket Man.

He wasn’t as boisterous as his friends but I was drawn to his shyness.  Like many other guys on the island, this 6’4’ blond beauty was covered in Vineyard Wear from head to toe.  There was even a Whale stamped on his flip fops!

     The usual introductions were made and the flirting began.

            “Yeah, I live in New York.  Do you ever go to New York?”  He asked before flashing his perfect white teeth.

            “As a matter of fact I do.”  I said wondering if he used white strips.

            “You have to come into the city and let me show you around!”  He said then described all of the restaurants, museums and sporting events that he would take me to.  I hoped that this guy wasn’t screwing with me.  He seemed so nice.

            “We have to go!”  Mel said after she realized the time.

            “Take out your phone.  Her number is 860-123-4567.  Call her later.”  Mel instructed Nantucket Man.  He took my number and promised to get in touch with me later.  Mel, Jan and I jumped off the boat and ran to meet Mel’s friend.  We made it right on time.

     Nantucket Man sent me a text while we were at dinner. 

            “What did your gentleman caller send you?”  Mel’s friend asked.  Of course I had to share my message with everyone at the table and they helped me with my replies. 

            “He asked to meet me later at 21 Federal.”  I informed my friends.

            “Looks like you girls are in for a long night.  Just meet me at 9am.” He said after dinner.

     We met up with Nantucket Man that night.  We hung out at 21 Federal for a while before we headed to another place.  Throughout the night I found out he worked in finance, hedge funds to be exact, and a Harvard graduate.   He lived in NYC for years and loved everything the city had to offer.  His blues eyes danced while he described the places he wanted to take me.

            “I would love to do all of those things.”  I said over the loud music. 

            “I would love to take you!”  He said smiling.  Did I mention the fact that he had nice teeth?  There was a lot of vodka sodas and a lot of promises made by Nantucket Man that night. 

     The next morning was painful.   We had to meet Mel’s friend at 9am.  I volunteered to get ready first but it wasn’t easy.  I stepped over an empty pizza box and tried to piece together the events of the previous night.  From what I could recall, it was a good night and I met a nice guy.  A guy who I planned on seeing again soon.

     Nantucket Man sent me a few texts that day and throughout the week.  He invited me to the city and I really wanted to go but I didn’t want to commit to an overnight night.  Luckily, I have a few friends that live in New York City and I planned on going out to dinner there in a couple weeks.  I suggested that he meet me for a drink after I have dinner with my friend and he agreed.

“A Harvard graduate? Did you tell you tell him you’re an Albertus Magnus Graduate?”  My friend Kelly asked over lunch a few days before my trip to the City. 

            “Nope.  I’ll have to make sure I stress the fact that I was enrolled in the Accelerated Program.  That sounds a little more impressive.”  I said.  We both laughed knowing that it really wasn’t. As I described Nantucket Man to Kelly it dawned on me; we might not be compatible.

            “He sounds nice and all but those rich guys are a different breed.  I bet his family is very proper and he smokes expensive cigars after dinner.”  I said.

            “Oh yeah, totally!  But you could hang with that crowd though.”  She said.

            “You think so?”  I asked

            “Of course you could!  You’re probably the most exciting thing to happen to him.  This could be a great thing!”  She said which made me feel better.

     A few days later I was in my Friend Yasmin’s apartment on the upper east side of New York City.  As we prepared to go out to dinner, I expressed my concern about Nantucket Man.

            “I know I shouldn’t be intimated but I kind of am.”  I confessed.

            “Why?  He’s a guy, like all of the other guys you know.  He just happens to live a comfortable life.”  She said trying to put things into perspective.

            “Yeah, I know that but I’m not sure if I would be comfortable with someone so upscale.  I curse an awful lot in casual conversation.”  I said

            “I’m sure he swears too.  Don’t over think it, lets just meet him tonight.  Who knows, he might be the one.”  She said as we left her apartment. 

    The plan was to have Nantucket Man meet us for a drink later that night.  Half way through dinner I sent him a text letting him know we were in SOHO.  He replied instantly.

          “SOHO sucks.” I read it out loud.  I looked at Yasmin as she stared at me blankly.  My initial reaction was to reply with  “Go fuck yourself” but Yasmin thought that was a little too harsh.  She helped me compose a non-confrontational text that asked him where he would like to meet.  He didn’t give me a straight answer so I let him know that we were going to SOHO Grand then put my phone away.  I ignored the multiple beeps that came from my bag.

            “I’m not in the mood for games tonight.”  I explained to Yasmin.

     We headed to SOHO Grand after dinner and made ourselves comfortable on one of the plush coaches.  We ordered glasses of Prosecco before we read his text messages.  Each one was more ridicules than the last.  I won’t bore you with the details so I’ll just list a few of them:

“There’s going to be a line” 

“They won’t le me in. I’m wearing what I wore in Nantucket”

“People in SOHO are losers”

            “I’m on my way”

            “I’m here.  I don’t see you.”

 

     I walked around the bar and found him in another room.  He gave me a hug hello before I walked him over to where we were sitting.

            “So how long have you lived in New York.”  Yasmin asked after the introductions were made.

            “Too long.” He replied then put his feet up on the table.  His response and action shocked us but it didn’t stop Yasmin from asking another question.

            “Where about in New York do you live? “ She asked politely.

            “Upper East Side.”  He barked.  The waitress walked over and ask Nantucket Man to remove his feet from the table.  I asked her for another drink and so did Yasmin.  We knew we would need another one to get through this.

     Nantucket Man was visibly upset and said the most offensive things.  I will use the word “blank” for each horrible comment he made so you can get an idea of what I mean.

            Yasmin:                      “I live on the Upper East Side.”

            Nantucket Man:         “No you don’t”

            Yasmin:                      “Yes I do.”

            Nantucket Man:         “The Upper East Side is God’s country except for all of the BLANKS that live there.”

     Yasmin was speechless.  She looked at me for help but I didn’t know what to say.            

            Nantucket Man:         “I pay a sickening amount of taxes to live there and for what?  Every weekend there is a BLANK or a BLANK parade so of course I can’t ride my bike on my usual route! Those people don’t pay taxes! I should be able to ride my fucking bike whenever I want.  I’m going to move to Texas!”

     Yasmin looked at me in disbelief as I sat there with my hand over my face.  The fowl things that were coming out of this proper man’s mouth surprised the crap out of me.  He was the most offensive person I have ever met! I didn’t know what to do so I just sat there quietly, like an idiot, while Yasmin tried to carry on a conversation.

            Yasmin:                      “My family has property in Texas.”

            Nantucket Man:         “Liar!”

Yasmin stood up, grabbed her drink and looked in shock.

“I give up.  He’s an A-Hole.”  She said before she walked away.

            “Are you ok?” I asked him

            “Let’s get out of here.”  He said

            “I’m not going anywhere but you can leave if you want.”  I said

            “I can’t.  That would be rude and I don’t want to be rude.” He said which stunned me.  Did he not hear himself talk the last ten minutes?  Everything that came out of his mouth was rude!

            “Trust me, nothing is keeping you here.  You can leave.”  I said pointing to the stairs.

            “No. I’ll wait for your friend.  We could share a cab.  We’ll see if she really lives by me.”  He said

     I stood up and told him to follow me.  I found Yasmin and we left the bar together.  We got a cab and Yasmin gave the driver her address.

            “You really do live in my neighborhood.”  He said.

            “Yes I do!”  Yasmin replied in a in your face tone.  I started to giggle and hoped he didn’t notice but my shoulders gave it away.  Yasmin pinched me a few times to get me to stop but it only made me laugh a little harder.  I looked over at Nantucket Man.  He looked so sad.

            “Are you going to cry?”  I asked but he didn’t answer me.   Yasmin pinched me harder which made me burst into laughter.   He asked the cab driver to drop him off first and handed me a fistful of cash.

            “It was nice seeing you again.”  I said as he got out of the car.  He mumbled something under his breath before he shut the door.

      I felt really bad for him.  Clearly he was an angry man with a lot of unresolved issues.  I definitely did not want to be around him or anyone like him. 

            “So. What did we learn from our bizarre night?”  Yasmin asked as we walked up the six flights of stairs to her apartment.

            “I will NEVER feel intimidated around ANY man again.  I swear he was very sweet the night I met him.  I can’t believe how he fooled me!”  I said.

            “If I wasn’t there to witness his behavior I would never have believed a man like that existed.”  Yasmin said.

            “These are the guys I attract.  I’m so glad you were there so you can see that I don’t make these dates up.”  I said.

            “I’m glad I was there too but I’m afraid I’m going to run into him out in the street.”  Yasmin said laughing.

            “I wouldn’t worry about him.  I’m sure you’re the last person he ever wants to run into.  Besides, he’s going to be moving to Texas soon.”  I reminded her.  She just laughed and crossed her fingers.