The Weirdo

           “Who is that guy?”  I asked my friend Kelly over drinks one night. 

     She turned around excitedly to see whom I was referring to. She wanted me to meet someone just as badly as I did.  Her smile quickly disappeared when she saw that I asked about her coworker.

            “That’s Mark.  You met him at my party last year.”  Kelly said

“I did?  I don’t remember him.”  I said

“That’s because he is wearing a suit tonight and because you were involved with some guy.”  Kelly reminded me.

     I thought back to her party and she was right.  The jackass I was dating at the time couldn’t come to the party with me.   Instead of enjoying myself, I wasted most of the night texting him.  No wonder I didn’t notice Mark.  Well, I was officially done with that mess of a man and ready for something new. Mark seemed nice, confident and outspoken.  He wasn’t gorgeous but cute enough to get my attention.  He slowly worked his way to me and bought us a round of drinks.  I thanked him with a flirty smile and then looked at Kelly.  It was obvious that she did not approve of my new love interest.

     Mark walked away to talk to someone else at the bar and that’s when Kelly scolded me.

  “Stay away from Mark.”  Kelly said.

  “What to do you mean?”  I asked.

 “I mean he’s not your type.”  She said. 

“You don’t know that.”  I said.

“Oh, yes I do! I promise you, you are going to hate him.”  She said

 “ I doubt that.  Besides, I don’t have anything going on right now and I’m bored. Why wouldn’t I go out with Mark?”  I said.

“Because it’s a bad idea and you can’t date someone just because you’re bored. Trust me, he is not your type. Don’t forget that I work with him, I know him better than you and I know that he is not for you.  If you date him, I’ll end up being his therapist at the office.  I don’t want to be his therapist.  Please, please, please don’t go out with him.”   Kelly begged but I didn’t listen.

   It took about a weeks but Mark eventually asked me out to dinner.  I wasn’t sure why Kelly said he wasn’t for me.  He was very sweet and treated me nicely.  I will admit that he talked a lot but he didn’t have anything interesting to say.  I didn’t hold that against him.  He also said things to convince me that he was a good catch.  That wasn’t a big deal either.  I just tuned him out from time to time.

“He’s really nice to me.”  I explained to Kelly over drinks a few weeks after Mark and I started to date.

“You’re kidding me.  He’s not irritating the hell out of you?”  She asked

“Not really.  He talks a lot but that’s not a bad thing.”  I said

“Oh my God, he never stops talking about himself! That’s a horrible thing.  Admit it, he’s annoying.”  She said

“I will never admit that!”  I said with a smile.

“He is driving me crazy with all of his questions about you.  He’s going to drive you crazy too.  As a matter of fact, you will want to punch him in the head like I do.”  She said.

“Well, I like him so I’m going to keep seeing him.”  I said. 

“You keep telling yourself that.  One day you’ll come to me and say that I was right and you were wrong.”  She said raising her wine glass to cheer me.

“Never!!”  I said clanking my glass into hers

      A week after I proclaimed my admiration for Mark to Kelly I started to understand what she meant.  At first I was drawn to his confidence and humor.  I laugh at his lame jokes and liked his strong personality but his shtick was getting old.  He also called me about a hundred times a day, which drove me crazy.  At first I thought it was cute but then I felt like I was being stalked.

“I called you an hour ago, why didn’t you call me back sooner?”  Mark asked one day.

“Because I already talked to you this morning and because your message said that you called just to say hi.  I didn’t think I had to call you back.”  I said

“You don’t have to do anything but I would like to think that you’d want to call me back sooner.”  He said which turned me right off!

A lot of our conversations went something like that.  He was suffocating me so I asked him to ease up on the phone calls but he didn’t.  It seemed like he called me even more after I talked to him about it.  One day he went on and on about how he was too good of a sales person to work at his current company.  He talked for twenty minutes straight! I tried to end the conversation a few times but he was too self-absorbed to notice.  I couldn’t follow the nonsense that came out of his mouth and I didn’t care about what he had to say.  I finally hung up on him and turned off my phone.  I needed a break from him even if it was for just one night.  He was emotionally needy and mentally exhausting.  This relationship was draining but I refused to admit that Kelly was right. 

    When I turned my phone back on in the morning I saw that he sent a bunch of texts and left a few voice messages.  I knew it was going to be a long day. 

            “What happened?”  Mark asked when I called him.

            “Phone died.  Sorry.”  I replied

            “Oh, that’s ok.  So let me finish my story.”  He said and picked up his rant where he left off. 

            “Mark. Seriously. Stop.  I don’t have time to talk to you right now.  I’m working.”  I said.

            “Don’t you want to know what I said to my manager?”  He asked.

            “Sure just not right now.  Call me later.”  I said.

    

     He called me about an hour later.  I let his call go to voicemail.  He sent me a text fifteen minutes after he left his message and I ignored it.  He called me an hour after that and I reluctantly answered my phone.  He was dying to tell me what he happened at his work so I let him talk.

  

“You know you surprised me.”  Mark said after he finished his idiotic story.

“What do you mean?”  I asked.

“Well, you’re a really good person and I feel like I could tell you anything.”  He said.

“Thank you.”  I said

“I have something that I need to talk to you about but I’m waiting for the right time to tell you.”  He said which freaked me out.

“What is it?”  I asked cautiously.

“I’ll tell you when the time is right.  I sort of feel bad about something too.”  He said

“Why do you feel bad?”  I asked

“Well, I’m sure you noticed that I ignored you the first time I met you at Kelly’s party.”  He said. 

    

     I didn’t notice but I let him continue to explain.  This was the first time I was actually interested in what he had to say. 

“My friends said that you were out of my league.  They said that I would never get you so I purposely treated you like shit that night.”  He said proudly. 

“What are you talking about?  You didn’t treat me like shit.”  I said

“Well, I wasn’t friendly to you.  My plan was to get you and then dump you to teach you a lesson and to show my friends that I you are not out of my league.”  He said.

“Are you serious?  Why did you feel the need to teach me a lesson?  What did I do to you?  That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!”  I yelled into the phone.

“Let me finish.”  He said with a silly laugh. 

“Let you finish?  Are you dumping me?”  I asked hoping that he was. 

“No, I’m not.  You’re a really nice person.  I can’t believe Kelly calls you The Black Widow.”  He said then laughed. 

     I wasn’t laughing.  As a matter of fact I was fuming.  Not because of my nickname, my friends have been calling me “The Black Widow” for a while.  I was annoyed because I had to end this and I had to admit that Kelly was right.

     

             “I’m sorry, I’m a little confused.  Are you dating me to prove a point to your friends?”  I asked trying to escalate our conversation into a huge argument. 

“Nope, I’m just saying that you are a sweet person and that I’m glad I got to see this side of you.”  He said. 

 “I don’t know Mark.  I need some time to process this whole thing.”  I said.

“I understand.  I’ll talk to you later.  I really need to tell you something so call me when you can talk.”  He said before I ended the call.

   Kelly was right; I wanted to punch him in the head.  Our relationship was painfully tedious.  I should have been mature and let Mark know how I felt but I didn’t.  Rather than acting like an adult, I chose to be aloof and unavailable.  I thought I could keep doing the fade away, you know, not answer his calls, ignore his texts and be too busy to see him until I faded away.  I assumed that at some point he would take the hint and go away.  My plan seemed easy enough.  I was able to avoid Mark's calls for a while but I couldn’t avoid Kelly.  I didn’t have a choice; I had to call Kelly back.

            “You have to end this and fast.  He is driving me absolutely mental!”  Kelly shouted into the phone.

            “What are you talking about?”  I asked still refusing to admit to Kelly that she was right.

            “What do you mean?  You know what I’m talking about!  He thinks you’re playing hard to get or some crap like that.  I know you and I know how you work.  END IT WITH HIM!”  Kelly yelled.

            “FINE! Give me a little more time.”  I said.

            “No more time, just do it! Admit it, I was right!”  Kelly said.

            “I will not admit that!”  I said

            “You could deny the fact that I was right all you want but I know the truth.  He is not for you.  One day you’ll admit it to me.”  She said.

     I didn’t want to lose this unspoken wager but I needed to vent about Mark.  His excessive phone calls and self promotion drove me absolutely nuts!  Not to mention his stupid attempt to complement me.  Say something nice about my appearance or my personality if you want to make me feel good.  Don’t tell me that you’re surprised to find out that I’m a human being with feelings.  Should I be privledged that Mark dated me?  And what bizarre lesson would I learn when he dumped me?  I wish he would dump me already so this nightmare could end! Oh, I almost forgot about the mysterious thing he had to tell me.  Was that supposed to intrigue me enough to keep me interested in him?  I really don’t care about whatever crap he had to share with me. 

            “Ok, ok!  You were right and I was wrong.  What the hell is wrong with that guy?  Doesn’t he know when to stop talking?”  I asked

            “No, he doesn’t.  He’s fun to hang out with in a group of people once in a while but that’s it.”  She explained.

            “If you say so.  I’ll be just fine if I never hang out with him again!”  I said.

           
     It killed me to admit to Kelly that I was wrong but it felt good to vent.  Now I had to figure out how break up with Mark.  I called him and asked if we could meet me for coffee at a Starbucks.  He seemed different over the phone but that was a good thing.  I hoped he would break up with me before I did it.

                         *               *               *               *               *

     I could tell that Mark was struggling with something when we met so I asked him if everything was ok. 

“Everything is fine.”  He said softly.

     

     I was thrilled! I thought for sure he was about to breakup with me!

“It seems like you have something to say.  What is it?”  I asked trying to get him to say the words that I longed to hear.  

“I’m afraid to talk to you about this.  I don’t want to scare you away.”  He said. 

   

     I felt my heart pounding through my blouse as I waited for his next words.  I wanted to get this conversation over with and forget all about this guy.

“Just tell me what’s going on.”  I said gently.

     He looked down towards his coffee and then took a long sip.  He wasn’t budging so I reached over to touch his hand.

           

“You can tell me whatever you need to.  I could handle it, I promise.”  I said

“I tried to tell you sooner but I wanted to wait for the perfect time.  I think now is the right time.”  He said then took another sip from his coffee.

“Ok, I’m ready.”  I said dying to hear all about his big secret.

“Ok.  Here goes.  I pass out during sex.”  He whispered still looking downward. 

“What?”  I blurted out loud.

“I pass out during sex.”  He whispered.

    Two things.  #1: I did NOT expect that and #2: I had no idea what the hell he was talking about?  I’ve worked in the medical industry for years.  I knew there had to be medical explanation for this.

 

“Do you have a heart condition?”  I asked. 

“Nope.  Everything just goes black and then I’m out like a light.”  He explained but it still didn’t make sense. 

“Do you get headaches?”  I asked.

            “Nope, I just pass out.  When that happens you have to slap me across the face and bring me a glass of water.”  He said giving me instructions on how to handle his episodes. 

     I had an unbelievable urge to reach across the table to slap him right then and there.  That would have felt so good!!! What motivated this person to tell me such a thing?  Did he want me to feel sorry for him because I didn’t!  

     I had so many questions about his “condition” so I kept asking medical inquiries.  None of his explanations were logical but I needed to understand this phenomenon.  He either had a rare condition or he was a big fat liar! I was relentless with my questions because I wanted to break him down.  He became visibly upset but I didn’t let up.

“Look, I don’t know what’s wrong with me and Doctor’s can’t figure it out.  All I know is that when it happens, you have to slap me across the face and bring me a glass of water.”  He said.

    

     I didn’t know how to respond to him so I just sat there in silence while I collected my thoughts.  So many questions flooded my head.  What would be the right thing to say right now?  Could I just get up and walk away?  What will a glass of water do for him if he passed out?  This was crazy! I was prepared for a break up speech, not some bullshit medical condition.

“I’m sorry but you’re not making sense. I’m willing to slap you if you’re into that.  You don’t have to make up this story.”  I said after staring at him blankly for a while.

“I’m not making anything up! I have a medical condition that doctors can’t figure out.”  He said angrily.

“Fine, you have a medical condition.  Relax Mark.”  I said.  

“I knew you were going to react this way.  I thought you would be understanding.”  He said

“Understanding?  I thought we were going to break up but instead I get some pathetic attempt for my empathy.  I’m sorry.  I can’t do this anymore.  I think we should just be friends.”  I said

            “Friends?  I just told you something personal about me and now you just want to be friends?”  He asked.

            “Yes.  I just want us to be friends.”  I said. 

            “Well, I don’t want to be your friend.”  He said

            “Ok then.  We are not friends.”  I said throwing cash on the table.

“You really are a Black Widow.”  He said.

“I guess I am.”  I said as I walked away.

    I wanted to defend myself and point out all of his flaws but I didn’t have the energy.  I called Kelly as soon as I got into my car to tell her what happened.  She was relieved that the nightmare was over but not as relieved as I was.  I promised her that I would never doubt her again and I never did.    

I Didn't Bring A Date, Again

     I love weddings.  I really do. There is something magical about watching two people promising to love each other, unconditionally, for eternity.   Of course there are many aspects of weddings that could make that day a nightmare for everyone involved.  (We’ve all played some role in this special ceremony so you know what I’m talking about.)  But all that crazy wedding drama doesn’t distract me from the reason why love weddings. That reason is the Bride and Groom.  I start to get emotional the moment when the groom looks into the bride’s eyes and then sob uncontrollably when they exchange their vows.   Within those few moments, everyone is reminded that they are there to celebrate the love between two people.  I know, it’s corny but that’s why I love weddings. 

     Ok, I got that out of the way.  Now, let me tell you why I don’t like attending weddings.  I am single.   Not only am I single, I am a single woman who is pushing forty.  I’ve come to terms with my relationship status but many people have not.  Guests at weddings either give me a pep talk or try to crack the mystery of why I’m still single.  I might as well wear a sign that says: No, I don’t have a boyfriend.   No, there’s nothing wrong with me.  Yes, I know that my biological clock is ticking.  Yes, I would like a vodka soda from the bar. Thank you.

      Things were so much easier when I had a boyfriend.  I got an invitation, checked off a box, bought a dress and showed up with a date.  No one cared about my boyfriend or me so no one said anything stupid.  Well, that all changed after my big break up.  It was obvious by their facial expressions that I confused a lot of people when I started to show up at weddings alone and then came the questions.  First I had to explain why I broke up with my loser boyfriend then I had to explain why I was still single.   I heard crap like:

“How could you break up with someone at your age?”

“You’re STILL single?  Didn’t you break up with him a few years ago?”

 “There has to be something wrong with you, what is it?”

“You’re obviously not dating the right way.”

“You must be too picky”

“Aren’t you afraid of being alone?”

 “What about kids? Don’t you want any?”

“You have a better chance getting hit by a bus than meeting someone now.  Beg your Ex to take you back!”

     I was speechless the first few times I heard these comments but I got used to them. Eventually, I came up with a polite and generic response to all of their ridiculous statements and quickly learned how to change the subject.

    I was used to people’s reactions of my single status by the time I found myself at a cousin’s wedding.  I quietly sat in the pew with rest of the bridesmaids when one of the other girls leaned in and asked if I was a lesbian.

“It’s ok if you are.  We’ve all talked about it and agreed that we will support you.”  She said with a warm smile. 

     It wasn’t the first time someone asked me that but it was the first time someone asked me that in church, during a wedding.  I started to giggle, uncontrollably. 

“Does my whole family think that?”  I asked between gasps of air.

“Yes.”  She whispered.

     The last thing I wanted to do was draw attention away from the bride and groom so I pinched myself a few times.

“Thank you for your support but I am not a lesbian.”  I responded and she started to giggle.

     I heard the typical statements at this reception and brushed them off.  I looked for a friendly face and thought I found one when I ran into an old family friend.  I knew that she was on her second divorce so I assumed that she was anxious about being there.  I decided to be overly friendly and ordered her a drink from the bar.  

            “You look beautiful! How have you been?”  I asked

            “I’m doing ok.  Since my divorce, things haven’t been easy.”  She said

            “I know. But look, you’re here today and you look amazing!”  I said.

    

    I was proud of myself.  I thought that my kind words made her feel good about being single again.   Secretly, I was thrilled to have a new friend.  There aren’t many of us single women left so we have to stick together.  I had it all planned out.  We could go to the movies, share single serving recipes and be each other’s wing girl when needed.  I didn’t want to freak her out so I kept our plans to myself. 

            “Where’s your date?”  She asked

            “I didn’t bring one.  I’m still single.”   I explained.

            “Are you serious?! It’s been years since you called off your wedding.  How could you still come to these things alone?”  She asked.

  

   Her words stunned me.  Out of all of the people at this reception, she was the last person I expected to make me feel like a huge outcast.  My initial reaction was to slap her but I didn’t want to cause a scene. I immediately stopped thinking of things to invite her to and went into defense mode. 

            “Meeting men now is a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I prefer to come to weddings alone than to bring just anybody.”  I said.

            “It wasn’t that difficult for me.  You see that guy over there.  He’s with me.”  She said pointing to a significantly younger man standing at the end of the bar. 

            “You brought someone?”  I asked

            “Hell yeah! I’m not going to be the talk of a wedding.”  She said.   

    

     I will admit that I was a little envious.  How the hell did she find someone so quickly?  I had to suppress my jealously and come up with a great comeback to make her shut up.  I didn’t get a chance to say anything because she opened her fat mouth again.

            “What are you waiting for, the perfect guy?  Well, I have news for you; he doesn’t exist!  Just find someone and get married for Christ’s sake.  Look at me, I’m working on my third husband right now.”  She continued proudly. 

            “I can’t do that!  I can’t rush into a relationship, especially marriage with just anybody.”  I said trying to stay calm.

            “You can’t be still single at our age; people are going to think there’s something wrong with you!  Look at me; I’m divorced and no one thinks there’s anything wrong with me.  Being divorced is acceptable, never been married is not acceptable, period.”  She said and my jealousy turned into anger.

            “I’m happy.  Doesn’t that count for anything?”  I asked.

            “No! That doesn’t count!  No one cares if you die happy; they care if you die alone.  Look, you can think whatever you want about me but at least I can say that I’ve been married.  Face it, you are a walking red flag and you don’t even know it.”  She said which pushed me over the edge!

            “You can stand here and lecture me all you want but your words are meaningless to me.  I have always been and I will always be a strong independent woman.  You have always been and it looks like you will always be a weak codependent leech.  Sure you can say that you’ve been married but at I can say that I’m genuinely happy with my life.  Get over yourself, you’re not that special.”  Is what I wanted to say but what I actually did was drop my head in shame and walked away.   Her words haunted me for months.

                        *                      *                      *                      *

     About a year after that obnoxious conversation, I got an invitation to a friend’s wedding.   I was so happy for them and pleased that they invited me but I was nervous.  I thought back to what that stupid girl said to me at my cousin’s reception and it upset me, again.  Part of me wanted to bring the disaster of a man I was doing the off again, on again dating crap with.  I came really close to inviting him but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it so I went alone.

     A friend of mine was also going to this wedding alone.  Apparently, her attorney boyfriend needed to work on a case so he couldn’t make it.  I was thrilled!   We arrived at the wedding together and didn’t care about the fact that we didn’t bring dates. It was all going well until we sat at our table.

     We took our seats next to our friends Sonia and Keith.  They’ve been married for years and are one of the few happy couples I know.  They knew I’ve been single for years but never made a big deal about it.  I didn’t know any of the other guests that sat at our table but I could tell that they were trying to figure us out.      

“Hi.  I’m Emanuela.”  I said introducing myself to the strangers and my friends did the same thing.

            “Where are your dates?  Don’t tell me you two girls are single.”  One of the women said. 

     My friend immediately set the record straight.

            “I have a boyfriend but he couldn’t make it tonight.”  She said then pointed at me to answer. 

      All eyes were on me as they waited for my response.  I was ready to tell them that I was single but something stopped me.  I was afraid of what they were going to think or say to me.  I couldn’t handle a repeat of a year ago.  My friends didn’t say a word while I struggled to describe my situation.

            “I’m divorced.”  I said then took a sip from my wine glass. 

     Sonia and Keith didn’t expect that answer but played along with me.

            “You caught him cheating on you, right?”  Keith asked

            “Yup.”  I said firmly.

            “You actually walked in on him, right?”  Sonia asked.

            “Yup.”  I replied again. 

            “I really liked Shane.   I’m still upset about your divorce.  Let’s toast him.” Keith said then raised his glass.

     I raised my glass too and encouraged everyone else at the table to do the same.

            “We miss you Shane.  We hope you’re happy.”  Keith said and I clanked my wine glass with everyone at the table. 

            “Did you know the woman he cheated on you with?”  One of the women asked.

            “Oh no.  I don’t think we should tell them.”  Sonia said.

“You might be right.  They might not be able to handle the truth.”  Keith said raising his glass again.

            “Let’s just toast to Shane again.  We hope you are happy in your new life.  We love you.”  Keith said as we all clanked our glasses again.

    I tried to contain my laughter but it was very difficult. 

            “Are you laughing?”  Another woman asked.

            “No, I’m crying.  I have Sjogren’s Disease.  I don’t produce tears.”  I explained.  It was the truth, I do have Sjogren’s, but I wasn’t crying.

            “Is it contagious?”  The woman said

            “No it’s not.”  I answered.

            “I think they deserve to know.  She walked in on him and another man.”  Keith said raising his glass to toast Shane again.

            “TO SHANE!”  Keith said then covered his face with his hand.

            “I think you should all get a visual of what poor Emanuela had to see.  He was wearing women’s underwear and his lover had a whip.”  Sonia added.

            “This toast is for YOU Emanuela!”  Keith said and everyone at the table toasted to me.

     This went on the whole night.   I contemplated telling them the truth because I’m not ashamed of being single but this was too much fun.  This was the first wedding I’ve been to in years where I didn’t have to defend myself for being single.  These people were kind and supportive of my situation and they might have been just as nice if I told them the truth but I didn’t want to chance it.  They believed and accepted this ridiculous story and I was ok with it.

            “You poor thing.  At least you tried marriage, don’t give up, you’ll be married again soon.”  The woman said.  

             "Thank you.  I think you're right."  I said with a smile.

This was the first and last time I told anyone that I was divorced.  I’m a bad liar and I really am not ashamed of being still single.   

Bathroom Boy

“Well, that was a waste of three months.”  I heard Donna say over the phone.                 

“Oh boy, I can’t wait to hear about this one.  What happened?”  I asked

“He went to the bathroom with another girl.”  She said calmly.

                  “What?  Repeat that please?”  I asked while I blew on my Sunday morning coffee. 

“Yeah, just what I said.  He left me at the bar and went into the bathroom with ANOTHER girl!”  She said but she wasn’t very calm this time.

     Donna and I usually walk at the reservoir on Sundays but we didn’t meet up this week.  She went out to celebrate her thirty-seventh birthday the night before with a guy she was dating.  She met him on-line a few months ago and they’ve been out several times.  I met him at happy hour one night and I thought he was a decent guy.  He was a good-looking guy but his charisma made him really good-looking.  I knew she wasn’t in love with him but I knew she liked him, a lot.  So when he wanted to take her out for a birthday drink, she was very excited. I think he should have taken her out for a birthday dinner but what do I know?

“Start from the beginning.”  I said, as I got comfortable on my couch.

Donna drew in a deep breath and began her story:

“We met at that sports bar close to my condo.  I got there first so I found two seats at the bar.  Apparently, I wasn’t the only one celebrating a birthday that night.  A group of twenty something year olds walked in and sat next to me.  It was one of the girls twenty-first birthday so they were really celebrating.  The hooting and hollering was cute at first but then they started to annoy the crap out of me.”  Donna said, painting a vivid picture.

“Do you remember your twenty first birthday?”  I asked trying to think back to mine.

“Not really.  Do you?”  She asked.

“Nope.  But I don’t think either one of us did any hooting.  Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.  Go on.”  I said. 

“Anyways, I wanted to tell them to shut up but I didn’t feel like getting into an argument.  Bathroom Boy finally showed up and sat in the seat I saved for him.  I wasn’t happy with what he had on.  I wore a nice outfit and he showed up wearing a tee shirt and a baseball hat.  Middle-aged men should not dress like a college boy.  But, I let it slide.  I didn’t want to fixate on his clothes but I did I want to move away from the twenty year olds.  I looked around but couldn’t find an empty spot so I tuned out the noise.  He had 100% of my attention and everything was going well.  We made eye contact, our conversation was engaging and he told me I looked beautiful.  What more can a girl ask for?  I thought everything was going great until the Birthday Girl became interested in Bathroom Guy.”   Donna said

 “What made you think that she was interested in him?”  I asked.

 “Well, she walked over to where he was sitting to order her drinks.  Then the rest of the girls walked over and surrounded him.  The Birthday Girl touched his arm a million times and flipped her long blonde hair back a bunch of times.  But the kicker was when she announced that she was “Soooooo drunk!”   At one point she reached over to pull Bathroom Boy’s hat off but he pulled back so she couldn’t reach it.”  Donna said.

“Ok Fine, it sounds like she was more than just interested in him.  How did you NOT lose it? What did he do? Was he uncomfortable?”  I asked.

“Are you kidding me?  He LOVED all of the attention! He smiled at them and interjected in their conversation.  Then you know what that stupid Birthday Girl did?  She arched her back to push out her boobs like a porn star!”  Donna yelled into the phone. 

“Seriously, why didn’t you do SOMETHING?“  I asked.

“Wait, it gets better.  He had to use the bathroom so he stood up and those crazy girls wouldn’t let him walk by.  The Birthday Girl got in his face and dared him to move her.  He just smiled and said excuse me but I didn’t like the way he said it.  He was flirting with her right in front of me!”  Donna screamed.

“Please tell me that you left.  You should have just left!”  I said.

“No, I didn’t leave.  Everything was happening so fast and I had a full glass of wine!”  Donna said which is a perfectly understandable reason to stay.

 “I watched him walk to the bathroom then I watched the Birthday Girl follow him to the unisex bathroom.  I kept my eyes on them until my phone beeped and I looked down to read a text.  I looked away for just a few seconds and they both disappeared.  I wanted to hunt him down but I didn’t want to make a scene.  I just sat there like an idiot and waited for him to return.   Eventually he did come back and suggested that we go to another bar. I didn’t want go anywhere with him!  The Birthday Girl stumbled back to her friends a few seconds later.  She said they HAD to leave and fast so they did.    I watched him closely then looked over at her and noticed that they stopped flirting.  They weren’t even looking at each other.”  Donna said.

“That’s really weird.  What do you think happened?  What did you do?”  I asked

“I didn’t want to say or do anything out of fear of looking like a psycho but I couldn’t control myself.  I drank my wine in one swallow, looked right into his eyes and asked what the hell happened with that girl.  He asked me what I was talking about.  I almost slapped him; it would have felt so good if I did. I asked him again, WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BATHROOM WITH THAT GIRL?  He started to sweat, his face turned bright red and he smirked and said “nothing”.  I swear I thought I was talking to a child so I asked him again. He shrugged his shoulders and did that stupid nervous laugh thing that guys do when they are about to lie.  I knew something happened so I asked him again, this time I grabbed the silverware from the bar.  I think I scared him because he finally told me that the Birthday Girl grabbed his hat off his head and ran into the bathroom.   He said he HAD to run in after her to get it back.  He didn’t have a choice.”  Donna said.

“You have to be kidding me!  What’s wrong with people?  I don’t blame the girl.  Don’t get me wrong, she was totally acting like an A-hole but he was on a date! Not to mention the fact that he’s in his mid forties.  He should have just let her have the stupid hat!  What a jackass!”  I yelled.

“I don’t’ know what exactly happened in that bathroom but that middle aged liar did something with that girl.  He kept insisting that we go to another bar and I kept insisting that he tells me what happened in the bathroom.  I know something big happened, why else would they ignore each other when they got back to the bar?  I was just about to stab him with a fork when the manager walked over and asked us to leave.  I was mortified!”  Donna shrieked.

“Wait, that’s weird.  Why did the manager ask you two to leave?”  I asked

  “Some one complained about him and the Birthday Girl.  Apparently, they took too long in the bathroom.  Can you believe it?  I’m so upset about the whole thing!” She said ending her saga.  

“Well, I guess you won’t be seeing that guy again.”  I said and she laughed.

“You’re right about that! I have to go.  I’ll call you back later.”  Donna said.

      After we hung up, I logged into my on line dating account.  I check my new messages and then I saw it: A message from Bathroom Boy.

                  “I don’t know if you remember me but we met a while ago.  I thought you had a great smile and would love to meet you for coffee.”

     I almost died!  My head raced with the foul things I wanted to say to him.  I composed a few replies but went with:

                  “I can not believe you had the nerve to send me this email.   You are too old to be chasing after young girls and too much of a moron to pursue me. Do Donna and me a favor and go fuck yourself.  P.S Thank you for the compliment.”

Tea Guy

After weeding through numerous of predictable emails from potential on-line dates and rejecting many “winks” I found one guy that had potential. He sent me a short and to the point email:

“I read your profile and I’d like meet you if you’re interested.” 

     The first thing I did after I read his message is what everyone who is dating on-line does, I checked out his pictures.  He looked great in his profile photo but not so great in the other three photos he posted.  It wasn’t a deal breaker though.  I guess one good photo is better than NO good photo.  Since he wasn’t repulsive, I went ahead and read the rest of his profile to see if he met my criteria.  His profile revealed that he was geographically desirable, age appropriate, employed and educated.  He sounded like a winner!

    

     I know my description of this guy doesn’t sound romantic but I wanted a real boyfriend.  In order to get one, I had to search strategically for an appropriate mate and he had to have more going for him than just a pretty face.  Trust me I love a pretty face just as much as the next girl but I’m done with all that drama.  Dating pretty face guys start out with fireworks but end up with me wanting to fill out a missing person report.  It’s really no mystery as to why they disappear.  Pretty face men have multiple women at their disposal so it’s easy for them to get distracted.  It sucks.

   

     This time, I searched for an average guy who has little charisma and a lot of heart.   Don’t get me wrong, attraction is very important but I have to be practical.  I need a man with substance and who is willing to date me and only me.  If that means he is not going to be drop dead gorgeous then so be it.  My goal was to meet a normal guy and this blond hair guy fit what I was looking for.

    

     I replied to his message and included my phone number.  No sense in doing the email thing for too long.  Email relationships are annoying and unfulfilling.  If he wanted to meet then he’d have to call me and ask me out like a proper man; which he did.

“This is sort of weird, don’t you think?”  He asked when he called later that same night.

     

      I wasn’t sure what he meant by “weird.” I would have asked for clarification but I didn’t want to be rude.

“It really is weird.”  I said then giggled out of nervousness. 

“You have a cute laugh.”  He said which made me more anxious so I giggled again.

      I must have sounded like a teenage girl or a mental patient.  Either way, I had to stop giggling and fast!

    

     I liked this guy.  He was very sweet, easy to talk to and a little flirty.   He asked questions about my career and my interests and he was actually listening.   It was refreshing to have someone genuinely interested in what I had to say.   I couldn’t wait to meet my soon to be boyfriend!

 “Where and when do you want to meet?”  I asked taking control of the conversation.   I didn’t want to get wrapped up in his charm before we met.

“How about Sunday afternoon at that tea bar on Farmington Ave?  They have a great tea selection.”  He suggested.

         

 This was the first time a guy suggested that we meet for tea but I was into it. 

                  

          “Sounds great!  See you Sunday.”  I said then ended the call. 

     

     I liked the way that phone call went and I was genuinely excited to meet Tea Guy!

                                                 *                *                *

     I ran through the questions I prepared in my head while I drove to the tea bar that Sunday Autumn afternoon. I had a lot riding on this date and I didn’t want to screw it up by not asking the right things.  Based on his on-line profile and our one telephone conversation, I knew that he was the right guy for me.  Now all I had to do was make this guy realize that I was perfect for him.

  

“Please look like the good picture.” I whispered to myself as I pulled open the restaurant’s door. 

     

      I scanned the nearly empty room and noticed a man that slightly resembled his profile photo sitting in a booth.  I knew he wasn’t going to be prettier in person but part of me hoped that his face would have magically changed.  It didn’t happen.

     

      I walked towards him with a fake smile and reminded myself that it wasn’t all about appearances.  I did my best to hide my disappointment and remembered that I was there to meet a decent man, not a pretty man.

      We greeted each other in the usual awkward half hug manner and he suggested that we sit outside.  I followed him to the back doors and noticed that he was really tall and I liked that.  He chose a table in the corner and our date began.  Well, it sort of did.

     

     We sat in silence as we read through the extensive tea menu.  I commented on the weather and he grunted.  I commented on the menu and he just smiled.  I started to panic.  One of us had to get this date rolling.  The silence was killing me! I thought back on our magical phone conversation to find a topic to talk about.

“Is this still weird?”  I asked.

“What do you mean by weird?”  He asked which stumped me.

     

     I wanted to say that HE was acting weird!  We are not talking and he barley responded to my generic comments.  He obviously didn’t remember our telephone conversation.  If he did than he would have known that he used the word “weird” first! I wanted to shake him and demand to know what he did with he guy I spoke with on the phone. 

                  

                  “The whole on-line dating thing.”  I replied thinking it was a safe answer.

                  “Not really. I’ve been doing the on-line dating thing for over a year now.  It’s not weird at all.”  He said. 

     

      Well, that was embarrassing.  This date was not going well and I think it was because he was just as disappointed in me as I was in him.  I wasn’t thrilled about my revelation but there wasn’t anything I could do except to make one last attempt to win him over.

“They serve a lot of types of teas here!”  I said enthusiastically.

“Yes they do.  I can tell a lot about a person based on the kind of tea they drink.”  He said proudly.

“Really?  That’s interesting.”  I said. 

    

      It really wasn’t interesting but at least he started to talk.  I hoped that we could get on track and maybe get over whatever it was that disappointed us and fall in love.

                 

                 “Yeah, it’s fascinating how right I am about the person every time.”  He said then asked a series of questions about tea:

                  “Do you drink tea at home?  What’s the most exotic tea you have ever tasted?  Did you know that you have to let the tea bag sit in hot water for at least three minutes before drinking it?” 

     

       I answered each inquiry with as much excitement as I could muster up.  He droned on and on about the correlation between tealeaves and the type of people who drink them. It was painfully boring.

“So, which tea are you thinking of trying?”  He asked while our server waited to take our order.

    

      I feared that my choice of tea would seal the deal for this guy so I began to panic.  The last thing I wanted to do was seem uncool to the Tea Guy.  I thought that he would storm out of there if I didn’t order something trendy.  What the hell is a trendy tea?  I couldn’t think under all this pressure. 

                  

            “I’m going to go with Earl Gray.”  I said to our server then snapped my menu shut.

“Don’t you want to try something more interesting?”  Tea Guy asked with a disapproving look. 

     

      I thought about changing my order but then I remembered that I was the one who will be drinking the tea and I wanted Earl Grey.  Besides, his tea theory was ridiculous and lame.

                  

                  "No, I don’t.”  I said with a smile.

     It became perfectly clear to me that I totally blew it with this guy but I was fine with it. I wanted to get out of there just as badly as he did but neither one of us knew how to do that politely. 

                  

            “What’s your favorite restaurant?”  I asked trying to make the remainder of our date tolerable.

“There’s an Irish place I love down the street from here.”  He answered. 

                  “I know that place.”  I said

                  “Do you know the bartender Anne?”  He asked

                  “Yes, I do know Anne.”  I replied

     

      His eyes lite up and his face turned red.  He started to breath heavily and beads of sweat appeared on his upper lip.  I waited for him to compose himself before I asked him how he knew her.

                 

                  “I met her at the restaurant but I run into her every time I go out.  She’s always so nice to me.”  He said still blushing.

                  “Are you dating her?”  I asked

                  “No, I’m not!”  He said sternly while he shook his head no. 

                  “Oh, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to get too personal.”  I said.

                  “No, it’s ok.  I tried to date her but it didn’t work out.”  He admitted.

     

       He told me how much he admired her and how beautiful he thought she was.  He described her hair and how much he “loved” it when it fell in her face.  He also mentioned that he “loved” how petite she was and how much he “loved” her smile.  The way he talked about Anne was borderline creepy and completely offensive.  His blatant disrespect for me stung but I was able to contain my rage.

   He stopped talking for a few seconds to look at me. 

“I’m sorry.  I’m rambling.”  He said

“No, that’s ok.”  I said while shaking my leg under the table.

“I just need to tell you this one last thing about her but please don’t let her know I told you this.”  He said while he licked his lips. 

 “What is it?” I asked before I blew on my hot tea.

“Do you want to know what Anne wore at the cocktail party?”  He asked.

“Not really but it looks like you’re dying to tell me so go ahead.”  I said then sipped my hot tea.

     His creepiness quickly morphed into obsession right in front of my eyes as he started to talk about the cocktail party.  I noticed tiny veins pulsating on his temples when he asked if I knew what body paint was.  I nodded my head yes and waited to hear the rest of this crap.

                  “Anne has an amazing body.” He said for the tenth time then went into details about every inch of her perfect body. 

                  “How do you know so much about her body?”  I asked suspiciously.

                  “Because I saw it! I ran into her at that cocktail party where the majority of women walked around wearing only body paint, including Anne!”  He said.

                  “What do you mean?  Women walked around naked?”  I asked

                  “Yeah but the paint covered all of the important parts. It was thick paint so it was ok.”  He said.

                  “Thank God for thick paint!”  I said then called over our server.

                  “I’m sorry.  Maybe I shouldn’t have told you that.”  He said. 

                  “Don’t worry about it.”  I said.  I couldn’t hide my disappointment any longer.

    

      I asked our server for our tab and she gave it to us right away.   Tea Guy picked up the plastic holder and opened it.  He took his time going over the charges before he placed the plastic folder with the bill facing up in front of me.  The total bill was $5.56.  I know this because he pointed to the total and suggested that I leave $3!

      I couldn’t believe this jackass!   I controlled my urge to slap him and cursed at him in my head.  I wanted to ask him if he was serious but I knew that I would have screamed it and I didn’t want to make a scene.  I didn’t have any issue with paying however, I did have a problem with the way he placed the bill in front of me!  I pulled out $3 from my wallet and placed it on top of the bill.  

“You know what.  Let me get this, you’re a cheap date.”   He said pulling the bill away from me with a stupid smile. I let out a fake laugh and thanked him.

  

      I couldn’t wait to get out of there!  He walked me to my car and casually set up another date.  I had no intentions of ever seeing Tea Guy again.

     I thought about my date on the drive home and wondered why this guy was on a dating site.  Clearly he’s in love with Anne.  He might have been trying to get over her but wasting my time wasn’t going to work.  What Tea Guy really needed to do was get off dating sites, find a good therapist and stop stalking Anne!