Can’t Figure This Guy Out

            “Jennifer.  You and Dave have to help me out here.”  I muttered into my phone.

            “What did you break?  Do we need to bring over our tool box again?”  Jennifer asked.

            “I didn’t break anything this time.  I need you to help me figure out what’s wrong with this guy I’m dating.”  I explained.

            “Oh FUN! What do you think is wrong with him?”  She asked

            “I’m not sure.  Something is off and I can’t put my finger on it.  He is in his late thirties, divorced, no kids, he’s somewhat successful and seems really nice.” I said painting a vague picture.

            “He sounds like a decent catch.”  She said.

            “You’re right, he does sound like a decent catch and I should be thrilled to be dating him. Please meet him and tell me why he annoys me.” I said then paused to collect my thoughts.

    

     I didn’t want to say too much because I didn’t want her to form an opinion before meeting him.  It was important that they remained totally unbiased.

           

            “You have to give me something.  What annoys you the most?”  Jennifer asked.

     I thought about it for a few seconds.

“Ok well, he’s from the south and once in a while he busts out with a southern accent that irritates the crap out of me and I’m not sure why.  A southern drawl could be hot but he doesn’t pull it off.   I think it’s because he starts out talking like you and me but then, out of nowhere, I hear this southern twang.  It’s like he’s possessed or something.  I just stare at him in utter confusion trying to figure out what the hell happened to his voice and then I try to understand what he’s saying.”  I explained.

“How could that be annoying?  I bet it’s cute!  Oh, I can’t wait to meet this one!”  Jennifer said.

     The plan was to meet at a bar on a Sunday afternoon.  Jennifer and Dave got there before I did and noticed a guy sitting alone.   After she and I exchanged a few texts, she approached the guy and officially met The Southern Guy.

            “I’m sorry I’m late.”  I said as rushed over to their table.

            “You’re not late.  We’re early.”  Southern Guy said then gave me a hug hello.

           

     I reintroduced everyone and ordered a vodka soda.  I was excited about this meeting mostly because I knew that Jennifer and Dave would be able to help me solve this mystery.  The fact that this perfectly normal guy irritated me as much as he did was confusing.

    Everyone ordered food except for me, I was too nervous to eat so I just ordered another drink.  I tried to come up with something interesting to talk about but it wasn’t easy.  Jennifer asked me how dinner with my clients went the other night and I ran with it. 

“They never showed up!”  I said and continued to describe that night.

    If you know me personally then you know that I could be a little animated when I talk.  I flung my arms into the air dramatically and then covered my face in embarrassment.

“Everyone stared at me and the wait staff felt bad for me.  I wanted to crawl under the table!  I felt like such a loser!  I kept saying “I can’t believe my clients didn’t show up” loudly so these strangers didn’t think I got stood up for a date.”  I said.

 Jennifer and Dave laughed along with me but The Southern Guy just sat there.  Did he not find me entertaining? That’s impossible! I’m funny! Well at least I thought I was.  I ignored his lack of interest and continued with my story.  My friends laughed as The Southern Guy sat quietly.   

            “Wasn’t that the night I asked to meet up with you after your dinner?”  Southern Guy asked.

            “Yes but we decided that we weren’t going to meet because my work dinners get done pretty late.”  I explained.

            “We did but it sounds like your dinner got canceled.  You should have called me.  I would have met up with you.”  He said.

            “I’m sorry.  I had a long week and I just wanted to take a long shower and go to bed, which is what I did.”  I said

            “If you really liked me then you would have called.  That’s all I’m saying.”   He said with a southern inflection in his voice.

     I wasn’t sure what he was getting at but I was sure that I didn’t want to have this conversation in front of my friends.  I changed the subject and the Southern Guy excused himself to go to the bathroom. 

“Can you believe he said that?”  I asked Jennifer.

“He has a point but why would he say that in front of us?  And where did that accent come from?”  Jennifer asked

“Did you hear it?  I told you!  He does that all the time.  Is it annoying or am I being mental?”  I asked

“You might be mental; it’s not that bad.  You’re right about something being off though.  I just don’t know what it is.”  Jennifer said.

“I think my personality is too much for him.  Maybe I should tone it down.”

Dave gazed at us with a strange look on his face.

            “Did you guys see that?”  Dave asked

            “See what?”  I asked

            “He took his napkin into the bathroom with him.”  Dave said

            “HE DID?”  Jennifer and I asked simultaneously.

            “YES! He’s coming back.  And he has the napkin with him.”  Dave whispered

     The Southern Guy sat back in his chair, wiped his lips with the cloth napkin he brought into the bathroom then placed it on his lap. 

            “So, you two met on-line?”  Dave asked

            “We did.  I found that on-line dating works best for me.  I’m ready to meet the perfect girl and start a big family.”  Southern Guy said.

            “How big?”  I asked

            “I’ve always wanted a big family but I’ll be happy with just four kids.”  He said

            “Four kids?”  I asked softly.

     Jennifer started to giggle.

            “Yes, four kids.  Don’t you want kids?”  He asked

            “Not really.  The only way I would agree to have kids, meaning just one, it would be under the condition that my husband takes full responsibility of raising him or her.”  I said.

            “I don’t believe you.”  The Southern Guy said

“I don’t want to have kids either.”   Jennifer said coming to my defense.

“How is that possible?”  He asked us.

     We spent the next thirty minutes explaining to this Southern man that not all women want to have kids.   I reminded him that I was forty years old and I didn’t think my body could handle four pregnancies.  He still didn’t believe me.    He excused himself again and walked towards the bathroom with his napkin in hand.

“You saw that, right?”  Dave asked

“YES!”  I said

“What does he do with it while he’s in there?”  Jennifer asked.

“No idea! Why doesn’t he leave it at the table?”  Dave asked

“Maybe he thinks we would do something to it.”  Jennifer said

“What could we possibly do to it?  I’m more interested in what he does with it when he pees.”  Dave said

“Maybe he throws it over his shoulder.”  Jennifer suggested

 “I don’t think he’s peeing.  I think he’s texting someone.  He hates me.”  I said

“I don’t think he hates you.”  Jennifer said.

“Do you think he really wants to have four kids?”  I asked

“Yes but not with you.”  Jennifer said which cracked me up.

“I don’t blame him! Picture me with FOUR kids!”  I said.

“I can’t picture you, or me for that matter, with ONE kid.  Yeah, you need to end this so he can find a better match.  You’ve only been on a couple of dates so it should be easy.”  Jennifer said

“We have to discuss why he keeps taking his napkin into the bathroom with him.”  Dave said.

“Why are you fixated on his napkin?”  I asked

“Why aren’t you?”  Dave asked

“Good question.  Should that be a deal breaker?”  I asked

“YES!”  Jennifer and Dave said together.

“He’s coming back.”  Dave said.

   We watched him walk out of the bathroom with his napkin dangling from his fingers.  He sat in his chair, wiped his lips with his bathroom-contaminated napkin and delicately placed it back onto his lap.  We couldn’t look at each other or say a word.  We knew we would have lost our composure if we did.

            “Oh, he has the perfect recipe for sweet potato pie.  Tell them about it.” I said

            “Alright.  I start with the best ingredients of course and grease up my special sweet potato casserole dish.  The secret is my special casserole dish.  It won’t come out right if I didn’t have that casserole dish.” Southern Guy said.

     He described the process of making the “World’s Best Sweet Potato Pie” and used Southern slang so we had no idea what he was saying.  We asked him to repeat himself a few times and he let out a sigh before pronouncing his words like a New Englander.   He finally gave up on us and excused himself.  He and his napkin walked into the bathroom for the last time. 

            “Did you see that?  He did it again!”  Dave said

            “He’s totally texting someone in there!”  I said

            “I think you’re right.  He’s been in there a million times and with his napkin.  I’m sorry, you’re right.  There is something off about him but I don’t think we should waste anymore time trying to figure it out.”  Jennifer said.

            “He’s coming back.”  Dave whispered.

            “That was quick.”  I said

“I’m really beat.  I’m going to head home.”  The Southern Guy said.

     I wanted to call him a liar and ask who he was texting in the bathroom.  Dave wanted to ask him why in the world did he keep taking his napkin into the bathroom.  Jennifer wanted to know what was so damn special about his sweet potato casserole dish.  Our questions were never answered.  He called me a few days later to break up with me.  I was relieved.