I wish I could say that I survived my thirties alone. I gave up trying to figure it all out a few
months after my 33rd birthday and searched for the perfect
therapist. I would have lost my mind if
it weren’t for Maureen.
I’m always early
for appointments so it was only natural for me to be early this spring
day. Her office was located in a lovely
residential area surrounded by beautiful old trees and perfectly manicured
lawns. I felt at ease driving through
this neighborhood and a little voyeuristic. I drove up and down the street of
my therapist’s office before my appointment partially to waste time and
partially to check out the other “crazy people” coming out of her front door.
I parked my car
alongside the curb in front of her house and stared at the brick colonial. I wondered how many people have been in and
out of this house and if their issues were as devastating as mine. My mind drifted to my problem and a rush of
anxiety came over me. I tried to stop
myself before I went into a full-blown attack but it was too late.
The confinements
of my car became unbearable as my breathing rapidly increased. I immediately put down all four windows to
allow fresh air into my car but didn’t feel any relief. I reached under my car seats for a bottle
water. I knew there was one somewhere in
my car, why couldn’t I find it?! My dark brown hair fell into my hazel eyes and
stuck to my sweaty face but I couldn’t give up on finding something to drink. I needed water! I grabbed an elastic out of my cup holder to
pull my messy long hair back into a pony tale when I noticed an attractive
middle-aged woman walking out of my therapist's house. She had a big smile on her face and I
wondered what she was smiling about. I
wanted to scream at her to stop being so damn happy but I opted not to. Instead I focused on my breathing then dove
back under my car seat. I finally found the
bottle water.
A few minutes
later, I checked my watch. I needed to
get out of my car to actually get to my appointment on time. I shoved my bottle water into my handbag and
slithered out of my car. I walked slowly
down the flowered pathway towards the large wooden front door. I rang the bell and listened for
footsteps. My heart started to pound
like crazy as I head someone open the door.
I almost ran away.
The front door opened and there she
stood, Maureen. She was about 5’9” and
wore a pair of casual pants and light green cardigan spring sweater. Her stylish light brown/gray hair was short
and it framed her pretty face nicely.
She was a beautiful middle-aged woman who had the warmest smile I have
seen in a long time so why the hell was I so scared?
Maureen greeted me with; “Hello,
you must be Emanuela.”
I didn’t answer
her right away. I just stood there in
silence, like an idiot. I thought for
sure she was going to gage my insanity level based on my initial response so I
had to make sure I said the right thing.
“You are Emanuela, right?” She asked.
She waited patiently for my
response but I couldn’t say anything.
“Are you okay?” She asked.
After what seemed like a lifetime I
finally replied.
“Hi, yes, I am Emanuela. It’s nice to meet you.” I said.
I extended my right hand and to shake hers as my
feet stayed planted on the porch.
“It’s very nice to meet you too. Please come in.” She said as she gently pulled me in the
house.
I was grateful
that she did, I don’t think I could have physically walk through the doorway
without her help. I followed Maureen
through her eloquently decorated home to an office area adjacent to her antique
dinning room. She closed the doors
behind us and gestured for me to sit. I
sunk into one of the plush chairs that faced Maureen and pulled out a water
bottle from my handbag.
“So” she
began.
“What brings
you here today?” Maureen asked
It was a simple, innocent and
logical question. Why couldn’t I come up
with a coherent answer?
“What brings me here today?” I
repeated and felt my throat close up.
“Well, where should I begin?” I asked with a nervous laugh buying myself
some more time.
I knew she was
going to ask me this question. I
prepared for this question. I rehearsed
my answers a million times. Why wouldn’t
the words come out of my mouth?! Suddenly,
the room started to spin and I was afraid I was about to have a relapse.
“What brings me here?” I repeated.
My face was on fire,
at least it felt like it was. I twisted the top off the plastic bottle and chugged the warm water.
I wiped off my upper lip with the back of my hand. Took in a deep breath and spouted out:
I waited for a brilliant explanation but instead I got a simple smile.
"We have a lot to talk about, don't we?" She asked.
"I guess we do." I replied.
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