The Average Looking Guy

   My friend Lisa called one summer night.

     “We are renting a house on Block Island for a week.  Are you in?”  She asked.

     “How would I get there?”  I asked.

     “What do you mean? The ferry!”  She said.  “Get a prescription or something.  You’ll be fine, it’s only a thirty minute ride from Point Judith, Rhode Island.”  She continued knowing how much I dislike boats.

    “Ugh!! A Ferry? Really?  I’m not sure what scares me more, potentially drowning or vomiting.”  I said reminding Lisa of my fears.

    “Tell me again, what happened last time you were on a boat?”  She asked

    “I felt like I was going to die.”  I replied

    “Did you?”  She asked.

     “No.” I answered quietly.

     “That’s what I thought.  Suck it up lady! It’s going to be fun.”  She said. 

     My schedule didn’t allow me to take an entire week off from work so I agreed to meet the girls midweek.

   “I’m going over with Michelle and Jen.  Kelly is taking her truck so she’ll pick you up at the dock Thursday.”  Lisa said

   “Perfect! I’ll see you all Thursday afternoon!”  I said after our plan was finalized.

    I started my workday extra early that Thursday but I still ran late. The plan was to change out of my wrap around dress and four-inch heels between sales calls but that didn’t happen.  After a productive day of sale calls I arrived at Point Judith wearing my professional outfit instead of the cute shorts and T-shirt I planned on changing into.

   I yanked my suitcase from my car and hurried to take my place in line.  I towered over the people wearing flip-fops and I was envious.   My feet were killing me and I knew that I looked pretentious standing next to everyone.  I felt compelled to explain my attire to the cute guy behind me.

    

    “I wanted to change but didn’t have time.”  I said but he didn’t seem interested.

    “You’re up.”  He said and that was the end of my poor attempt of small talk.   

    The next ferry wasn’t leaving for over an hour so I rolled my suitcase over the gravel road and into the restroom. I freshened up my makeup, pulled my hair back in a ponytail and stuck a motion sickness patch behind my ear.   I read the instructions on the patch’s insert and it said to place it behind my ear four hours prior to the trip.  I was a little concerned but reminded myself that I was fine during my last boating excursion.  I stuck the patch on anyways figuring it was better than not wearing it at all.

    I was about to change into my vacation wear but a group of high school girls walked into the bathroom.  The annoying giggling was somewhat tolerable but the screeching and hugging got to me.  I walked out still wearing my dress.  I could have changed into my flip-flops but that would have looked ridiculous.

  I still had time to kill. I bought an order of French fries from a run down shack and sat on a bench near the docks. 

  

    “May I sit next to you?”  Asked a man carrying a huge bucket of fried food. 

    “Of course.”   I said moving my suitcase to make room for him.

     “How long are you going to be on Block Island?”  He asked between bites.

     “Through the weekend.  What about you?”  I asked The Average Looking Guy and that’s when the innocent flirting started.

     “How can you walk in those shoes?”  He asked smiling.

      “It’s not easy but I think I do ok.”  I replied.

       “Yes you do.  I noticed you pulling your luggage everywhere while wearing those things with out spraining and ankle.  I’m impressed.”  He said which made me laugh.

    

    The conversation wasn’t overly stimulating but pleasant enough to keep me engaged. We talked about the weather and traveling, like I said, nothing exciting.  He asked if I wanted to meet him for a drink while I was on Block Island.  He wasn’t drop dead gorgeous but cute enough to meet for a drink.  I gave him my cellphone number before walking towards the ferry.

   We separated while boarding the ferry but I knew he wasn’t far. I took a seat inside the vessel then strategically moved my dress to expose my crossed legs. I pulled my IPOD out of my bag and glanced over to my new friend.  He was checking me out.  I was happy.

    The ferry pulled out of the dock and I was on my way. I felt a little sleepy but ready to join my friends and party like a rock star!  My mind started to wonder as I stared out of the many windows but a soft tap on my shoulder got my attention.

    “Mind if I sit with you again?”  The Average Looking Guy asked.

    “Not at all.”  I said smiling.

    He was sweet and seemed genuine.  The longer we talked the more attractive he became which was a pleasant surprise.  I was having an intelligent conversation with a guy with some substance.  This was refreshing!

    Everything was going well with this guy.  We talked, laughed and listened to each other’s songs on our IPODs.  But then, the boat took a drastic dipped and so did my stomach. 

“What the hell was that?”  I thought. I didn’t want to alarm my new friend so I ignored my desire to scream and concentrated on every word he said. 

     “Are you ok?”  He asked

     “Yup, I’m fine.”  I lied.

     About three minutes later, the boat took another dip and a wave of anxiety washed over me.

     “What the hell was that?”  I whispered.

      “Excuse me?”  He asked.

      “Nothing, I’m sorry.  What were you saying again?”  I asked trying to regain control of my emotions.    

 

    He continued to talk about something but I couldn’t follow him.  I was seriously concerned about the remainder of this trip. Just as I talked myself out of shrieking, the ferry took another huge dip.  I couldn’t ignore it anymore.  I needed air.  I reached down to my lap for my IPOD and wrapped the wire around it before placing it in my bag. 

     “Will you excuse me?”  I asked as politely as possible.  He asked me if I was ok but I didn’t answer him.

    I got up slowly and gracefully walked towards the door.  My goal was to get outside without making a scene.  I reached the door and gently tugged on it, it wouldn’t open.  I looked back at my The Average Looking Guy but he moved back to his own seat and proceeded to read a newspaper.  I pulled the door a little harder but it still wouldn’t move. The panic I suppressed the last fifteen minutes finally over took me.  I felt my heart pounding and my body broke into a cold sweat. I needed to get outside and fast. 

    I grabbed the handle to the door with both hands and yanked on it like a mental patient, it just wouldn’t open! I turned to the family sitting next to the door.  With the look of desperation on my face, I grabbed the shoulders of the closest man and looked directly into his eyes.

    “For the love of god, you have to help me!  I can’t open the door.  PLEASE open it before I throw up all over your family!”  I pleaded as saliva pooled in the corners of my mouth.

He jumped up and pulled the door handle but he couldn’t open it either.  He looked at his children and then at me, in horror.

 

     “The latch is hooked on the top of the door!! Unlock the top latch and get her out of here!”  Screamed a woman from the back of the ferry. 

    “GOT IT!!”  Said the father of three.

   

    He flung open the door and shoved me outside.  The wind felt so good on my face and I thought that I was going to be ok.  I was wrong.  The ferry took another dip and I threw my upper body over the railing.  The fries I ate an hour earlier exploded all over the ocean along with my dignity.  I hoped that no one noticed, especially my potentially new boyfriend. 

    I wanted to get back inside to flirt with The Average Looking Guy again but I needed to be sure that I was going to be okay. I stood outside for a few minutes and loved the way the wind felt on my face.  I struggled to keep my dress away from my head and then it hit me.  If the material of my dress is surrounding my head, then what is covering my body?   I reached behind me and felt skin. I freaked out! I looked down at myself and noticed that my dress wasn’t covering as much of my body as it was when I walked on.  It was mortifying!! I grabbed a hold of my dress to pull it down but the boat took a sudden plunge and I threw myself over the side again.

     Once every ounce of fluid left my body, I revisited the issue at hand, my dress.  I franticly pulled it down but the wind wasn’t’ cooperating.  My pretty wrap around dress was staying on by a flimsy string and the only thing I could do was to curse like I’ve never cursed before!  When I pulled the front of my dress closed the back of my dress flew up.  I wasn’t sure what upset me more, exposing my thirty eight-year old cellulite covered butt to the world or vomiting like a loser.

    It wasn’t easy but I somehow managed to tuck my dress between my knees, which kept it from flying up.  I prayed that no one saw me.  I looked so pretty and put together when I walked onto this social death trap. I even met a nice boy who I could see myself dating.  I hope that this debacle of a trip didn’t turn him off.

  “We’re almost there!” A man yelled from the door.  I gave him thumbs up but I didn’t turn around for two reasons. 

#1 I didn’t want to lose my balance and fly off the ferry

#2 I didn’t want to flash everyone again.

    A few minutes later, I felt a tap on my back.  I thought for sure it was The Average Looking Guy.  A comforting smile or even a soft embrace from him would have been nice.  It was a struggle but I managed to smile before turning around.   I was disappointed to find an elderly man standing behind me instead of The Average Looking Guy.  

“May I come closer to you?”  The seventy-year old man asked while waving a bunch of napkins.  I nodded “yes”.

“Don’t be embarrassed.   This happens to a lot of people.”  He said trying to make me feel better. 

“Did everyone see me get sick?” I asked while wiping my face with a napkin.

“Well, yes we did.”  He replied then handed me bottled water.

“Did anyone see anything else?”  I asked

“Yes.  Yes we did but don’t worry about it.  It’s really not a big deal” He replied which made me laugh.

 “Yeah, right!”  I said then turned back towards the water and started to dry heave.  He threw his jacket over me to keep my dress from flying up. 

   The elderly man was kind enough to stay outside with me for the rest of the trip.  He tried to make small talk but I couldn’t hear him over the wind. I was able to hear him ask about The Average Looking Guy.

    “I would never let my wife get sick alone.  You might want to get rid of that boyfriend of yours.  He should have been out here with you.”  He said sounding like my father.

    “I just met while waiting for the ferry.  He’s not my boyfriend.”  I explained.

     “Oh good! You deserve a real man.”  He said smiling. 

   

    He was right! I do deserve a real man.  If the tables were turned and The Average Looking Guy was getting sick, I would have been right there by his side.  Ok, so maybe not exactly by his side while he was vomiting but I would have handed him napkins when he got done. 

   

   We finally docked on Block Island and I went back in the cabinet to collect my things.  My new boyfriend disappeared but the elderly man didn’t leave my side.  I couldn’t thank him enough as we walked towards the street.  I assured him that my friend would be there shortly and that I was going to be ok.  He wished me well then left me sitting alone on a bench.

     Kelly pulled up ad honked the horn. I climbed into the truck, quickly. 

“What the hell happened to you?” She asked

“Don’t worry about it, just get me to the house.  I need a nap.” I said. 

“Did you throw up?  Oh my GOD, you did!!”  She said while laughing hysterically. 

“It wasn’t pretty Kelly, I feel like I’m going to die.” I said.

“You were on the water for only 30 minutes! You seriously got sick?  Didn’t you get that patch thing?”  She asked along with a million of other questions between laughter.

I couldn’t help but laugh too.

            “Kelly, seriously, get me home.  I need to lay down.  I don’t think I’m going to make it out to night.”  I said while sticking my head out of the passenger side window. 

“You have to rally! It’s your first night here and you have to catch up to us.”  She said. 

“Really Kelly? Does it look like I’m in any condition to catch up to you guys?”  I asked.  “You’ll feel better after a nap and a shower.”  She assured me. 

   

   When we got to the house I marched inside and headed up to a bedroom.

“Hello! Ewe! You are taking a shower before we go out, right?”  Lisa asked.

 “Shut up.”  I replied as I crawled up the stairs.

            “What the hell happened to you?” Michelle asked when I walked into the bedroom we shared.

            “You look awful.” She continued as I slithered into the bed and buried my head into my pillow. 

“Is the room spinning?” I asked Michelle

“I need this room to stop spinning.”  I said while pealing the worthless patch from behind my ear and closed my eyes.

  

      My friends were right.  I felt a million times better after a long nap and shower.  We went out that night and had a blast!

     The Average Looking Guy didn’t call me that weekend or any other weekend.  I really can’t blame him. I said that I would have stood by his side if the tables were turned but I lied.  We only knew each other for a total of forty-five minutes before I mooned everyone on the ferry.  Vomiting can forgiven but Indecent exposer is a difficult thing to over look.