Bathroom Boy

“Well, that was a waste of three months.”  I heard Donna say over the phone.                 

“Oh boy, I can’t wait to hear about this one.  What happened?”  I asked

“He went to the bathroom with another girl.”  She said calmly.

                  “What?  Repeat that please?”  I asked while I blew on my Sunday morning coffee. 

“Yeah, just what I said.  He left me at the bar and went into the bathroom with ANOTHER girl!”  She said but she wasn’t very calm this time.

     Donna and I usually walk at the reservoir on Sundays but we didn’t meet up this week.  She went out to celebrate her thirty-seventh birthday the night before with a guy she was dating.  She met him on-line a few months ago and they’ve been out several times.  I met him at happy hour one night and I thought he was a decent guy.  He was a good-looking guy but his charisma made him really good-looking.  I knew she wasn’t in love with him but I knew she liked him, a lot.  So when he wanted to take her out for a birthday drink, she was very excited. I think he should have taken her out for a birthday dinner but what do I know?

“Start from the beginning.”  I said, as I got comfortable on my couch.

Donna drew in a deep breath and began her story:

“We met at that sports bar close to my condo.  I got there first so I found two seats at the bar.  Apparently, I wasn’t the only one celebrating a birthday that night.  A group of twenty something year olds walked in and sat next to me.  It was one of the girls twenty-first birthday so they were really celebrating.  The hooting and hollering was cute at first but then they started to annoy the crap out of me.”  Donna said, painting a vivid picture.

“Do you remember your twenty first birthday?”  I asked trying to think back to mine.

“Not really.  Do you?”  She asked.

“Nope.  But I don’t think either one of us did any hooting.  Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.  Go on.”  I said. 

“Anyways, I wanted to tell them to shut up but I didn’t feel like getting into an argument.  Bathroom Boy finally showed up and sat in the seat I saved for him.  I wasn’t happy with what he had on.  I wore a nice outfit and he showed up wearing a tee shirt and a baseball hat.  Middle-aged men should not dress like a college boy.  But, I let it slide.  I didn’t want to fixate on his clothes but I did I want to move away from the twenty year olds.  I looked around but couldn’t find an empty spot so I tuned out the noise.  He had 100% of my attention and everything was going well.  We made eye contact, our conversation was engaging and he told me I looked beautiful.  What more can a girl ask for?  I thought everything was going great until the Birthday Girl became interested in Bathroom Guy.”   Donna said

 “What made you think that she was interested in him?”  I asked.

 “Well, she walked over to where he was sitting to order her drinks.  Then the rest of the girls walked over and surrounded him.  The Birthday Girl touched his arm a million times and flipped her long blonde hair back a bunch of times.  But the kicker was when she announced that she was “Soooooo drunk!”   At one point she reached over to pull Bathroom Boy’s hat off but he pulled back so she couldn’t reach it.”  Donna said.

“Ok Fine, it sounds like she was more than just interested in him.  How did you NOT lose it? What did he do? Was he uncomfortable?”  I asked.

“Are you kidding me?  He LOVED all of the attention! He smiled at them and interjected in their conversation.  Then you know what that stupid Birthday Girl did?  She arched her back to push out her boobs like a porn star!”  Donna yelled into the phone. 

“Seriously, why didn’t you do SOMETHING?“  I asked.

“Wait, it gets better.  He had to use the bathroom so he stood up and those crazy girls wouldn’t let him walk by.  The Birthday Girl got in his face and dared him to move her.  He just smiled and said excuse me but I didn’t like the way he said it.  He was flirting with her right in front of me!”  Donna screamed.

“Please tell me that you left.  You should have just left!”  I said.

“No, I didn’t leave.  Everything was happening so fast and I had a full glass of wine!”  Donna said which is a perfectly understandable reason to stay.

 “I watched him walk to the bathroom then I watched the Birthday Girl follow him to the unisex bathroom.  I kept my eyes on them until my phone beeped and I looked down to read a text.  I looked away for just a few seconds and they both disappeared.  I wanted to hunt him down but I didn’t want to make a scene.  I just sat there like an idiot and waited for him to return.   Eventually he did come back and suggested that we go to another bar. I didn’t want go anywhere with him!  The Birthday Girl stumbled back to her friends a few seconds later.  She said they HAD to leave and fast so they did.    I watched him closely then looked over at her and noticed that they stopped flirting.  They weren’t even looking at each other.”  Donna said.

“That’s really weird.  What do you think happened?  What did you do?”  I asked

“I didn’t want to say or do anything out of fear of looking like a psycho but I couldn’t control myself.  I drank my wine in one swallow, looked right into his eyes and asked what the hell happened with that girl.  He asked me what I was talking about.  I almost slapped him; it would have felt so good if I did. I asked him again, WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BATHROOM WITH THAT GIRL?  He started to sweat, his face turned bright red and he smirked and said “nothing”.  I swear I thought I was talking to a child so I asked him again. He shrugged his shoulders and did that stupid nervous laugh thing that guys do when they are about to lie.  I knew something happened so I asked him again, this time I grabbed the silverware from the bar.  I think I scared him because he finally told me that the Birthday Girl grabbed his hat off his head and ran into the bathroom.   He said he HAD to run in after her to get it back.  He didn’t have a choice.”  Donna said.

“You have to be kidding me!  What’s wrong with people?  I don’t blame the girl.  Don’t get me wrong, she was totally acting like an A-hole but he was on a date! Not to mention the fact that he’s in his mid forties.  He should have just let her have the stupid hat!  What a jackass!”  I yelled.

“I don’t’ know what exactly happened in that bathroom but that middle aged liar did something with that girl.  He kept insisting that we go to another bar and I kept insisting that he tells me what happened in the bathroom.  I know something big happened, why else would they ignore each other when they got back to the bar?  I was just about to stab him with a fork when the manager walked over and asked us to leave.  I was mortified!”  Donna shrieked.

“Wait, that’s weird.  Why did the manager ask you two to leave?”  I asked

  “Some one complained about him and the Birthday Girl.  Apparently, they took too long in the bathroom.  Can you believe it?  I’m so upset about the whole thing!” She said ending her saga.  

“Well, I guess you won’t be seeing that guy again.”  I said and she laughed.

“You’re right about that! I have to go.  I’ll call you back later.”  Donna said.

      After we hung up, I logged into my on line dating account.  I check my new messages and then I saw it: A message from Bathroom Boy.

                  “I don’t know if you remember me but we met a while ago.  I thought you had a great smile and would love to meet you for coffee.”

     I almost died!  My head raced with the foul things I wanted to say to him.  I composed a few replies but went with:

                  “I can not believe you had the nerve to send me this email.   You are too old to be chasing after young girls and too much of a moron to pursue me. Do Donna and me a favor and go fuck yourself.  P.S Thank you for the compliment.”