I Didn't Bring A Date, Again

     I love weddings.  I really do. There is something magical about watching two people promising to love each other, unconditionally, for eternity.   Of course there are many aspects of weddings that could make that day a nightmare for everyone involved.  (We’ve all played some role in this special ceremony so you know what I’m talking about.)  But all that crazy wedding drama doesn’t distract me from the reason why love weddings. That reason is the Bride and Groom.  I start to get emotional the moment when the groom looks into the bride’s eyes and then sob uncontrollably when they exchange their vows.   Within those few moments, everyone is reminded that they are there to celebrate the love between two people.  I know, it’s corny but that’s why I love weddings. 

     Ok, I got that out of the way.  Now, let me tell you why I don’t like attending weddings.  I am single.   Not only am I single, I am a single woman who is pushing forty.  I’ve come to terms with my relationship status but many people have not.  Guests at weddings either give me a pep talk or try to crack the mystery of why I’m still single.  I might as well wear a sign that says: No, I don’t have a boyfriend.   No, there’s nothing wrong with me.  Yes, I know that my biological clock is ticking.  Yes, I would like a vodka soda from the bar. Thank you.

      Things were so much easier when I had a boyfriend.  I got an invitation, checked off a box, bought a dress and showed up with a date.  No one cared about my boyfriend or me so no one said anything stupid.  Well, that all changed after my big break up.  It was obvious by their facial expressions that I confused a lot of people when I started to show up at weddings alone and then came the questions.  First I had to explain why I broke up with my loser boyfriend then I had to explain why I was still single.   I heard crap like:

“How could you break up with someone at your age?”

“You’re STILL single?  Didn’t you break up with him a few years ago?”

 “There has to be something wrong with you, what is it?”

“You’re obviously not dating the right way.”

“You must be too picky”

“Aren’t you afraid of being alone?”

 “What about kids? Don’t you want any?”

“You have a better chance getting hit by a bus than meeting someone now.  Beg your Ex to take you back!”

     I was speechless the first few times I heard these comments but I got used to them. Eventually, I came up with a polite and generic response to all of their ridiculous statements and quickly learned how to change the subject.

    I was used to people’s reactions of my single status by the time I found myself at a cousin’s wedding.  I quietly sat in the pew with rest of the bridesmaids when one of the other girls leaned in and asked if I was a lesbian.

“It’s ok if you are.  We’ve all talked about it and agreed that we will support you.”  She said with a warm smile. 

     It wasn’t the first time someone asked me that but it was the first time someone asked me that in church, during a wedding.  I started to giggle, uncontrollably. 

“Does my whole family think that?”  I asked between gasps of air.

“Yes.”  She whispered.

     The last thing I wanted to do was draw attention away from the bride and groom so I pinched myself a few times.

“Thank you for your support but I am not a lesbian.”  I responded and she started to giggle.

     I heard the typical statements at this reception and brushed them off.  I looked for a friendly face and thought I found one when I ran into an old family friend.  I knew that she was on her second divorce so I assumed that she was anxious about being there.  I decided to be overly friendly and ordered her a drink from the bar.  

            “You look beautiful! How have you been?”  I asked

            “I’m doing ok.  Since my divorce, things haven’t been easy.”  She said

            “I know. But look, you’re here today and you look amazing!”  I said.

    

    I was proud of myself.  I thought that my kind words made her feel good about being single again.   Secretly, I was thrilled to have a new friend.  There aren’t many of us single women left so we have to stick together.  I had it all planned out.  We could go to the movies, share single serving recipes and be each other’s wing girl when needed.  I didn’t want to freak her out so I kept our plans to myself. 

            “Where’s your date?”  She asked

            “I didn’t bring one.  I’m still single.”   I explained.

            “Are you serious?! It’s been years since you called off your wedding.  How could you still come to these things alone?”  She asked.

  

   Her words stunned me.  Out of all of the people at this reception, she was the last person I expected to make me feel like a huge outcast.  My initial reaction was to slap her but I didn’t want to cause a scene. I immediately stopped thinking of things to invite her to and went into defense mode. 

            “Meeting men now is a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I prefer to come to weddings alone than to bring just anybody.”  I said.

            “It wasn’t that difficult for me.  You see that guy over there.  He’s with me.”  She said pointing to a significantly younger man standing at the end of the bar. 

            “You brought someone?”  I asked

            “Hell yeah! I’m not going to be the talk of a wedding.”  She said.   

    

     I will admit that I was a little envious.  How the hell did she find someone so quickly?  I had to suppress my jealously and come up with a great comeback to make her shut up.  I didn’t get a chance to say anything because she opened her fat mouth again.

            “What are you waiting for, the perfect guy?  Well, I have news for you; he doesn’t exist!  Just find someone and get married for Christ’s sake.  Look at me, I’m working on my third husband right now.”  She continued proudly. 

            “I can’t do that!  I can’t rush into a relationship, especially marriage with just anybody.”  I said trying to stay calm.

            “You can’t be still single at our age; people are going to think there’s something wrong with you!  Look at me; I’m divorced and no one thinks there’s anything wrong with me.  Being divorced is acceptable, never been married is not acceptable, period.”  She said and my jealousy turned into anger.

            “I’m happy.  Doesn’t that count for anything?”  I asked.

            “No! That doesn’t count!  No one cares if you die happy; they care if you die alone.  Look, you can think whatever you want about me but at least I can say that I’ve been married.  Face it, you are a walking red flag and you don’t even know it.”  She said which pushed me over the edge!

            “You can stand here and lecture me all you want but your words are meaningless to me.  I have always been and I will always be a strong independent woman.  You have always been and it looks like you will always be a weak codependent leech.  Sure you can say that you’ve been married but at I can say that I’m genuinely happy with my life.  Get over yourself, you’re not that special.”  Is what I wanted to say but what I actually did was drop my head in shame and walked away.   Her words haunted me for months.

                        *                      *                      *                      *

     About a year after that obnoxious conversation, I got an invitation to a friend’s wedding.   I was so happy for them and pleased that they invited me but I was nervous.  I thought back to what that stupid girl said to me at my cousin’s reception and it upset me, again.  Part of me wanted to bring the disaster of a man I was doing the off again, on again dating crap with.  I came really close to inviting him but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it so I went alone.

     A friend of mine was also going to this wedding alone.  Apparently, her attorney boyfriend needed to work on a case so he couldn’t make it.  I was thrilled!   We arrived at the wedding together and didn’t care about the fact that we didn’t bring dates. It was all going well until we sat at our table.

     We took our seats next to our friends Sonia and Keith.  They’ve been married for years and are one of the few happy couples I know.  They knew I’ve been single for years but never made a big deal about it.  I didn’t know any of the other guests that sat at our table but I could tell that they were trying to figure us out.      

“Hi.  I’m Emanuela.”  I said introducing myself to the strangers and my friends did the same thing.

            “Where are your dates?  Don’t tell me you two girls are single.”  One of the women said. 

     My friend immediately set the record straight.

            “I have a boyfriend but he couldn’t make it tonight.”  She said then pointed at me to answer. 

      All eyes were on me as they waited for my response.  I was ready to tell them that I was single but something stopped me.  I was afraid of what they were going to think or say to me.  I couldn’t handle a repeat of a year ago.  My friends didn’t say a word while I struggled to describe my situation.

            “I’m divorced.”  I said then took a sip from my wine glass. 

     Sonia and Keith didn’t expect that answer but played along with me.

            “You caught him cheating on you, right?”  Keith asked

            “Yup.”  I said firmly.

            “You actually walked in on him, right?”  Sonia asked.

            “Yup.”  I replied again. 

            “I really liked Shane.   I’m still upset about your divorce.  Let’s toast him.” Keith said then raised his glass.

     I raised my glass too and encouraged everyone else at the table to do the same.

            “We miss you Shane.  We hope you’re happy.”  Keith said and I clanked my wine glass with everyone at the table. 

            “Did you know the woman he cheated on you with?”  One of the women asked.

            “Oh no.  I don’t think we should tell them.”  Sonia said.

“You might be right.  They might not be able to handle the truth.”  Keith said raising his glass again.

            “Let’s just toast to Shane again.  We hope you are happy in your new life.  We love you.”  Keith said as we all clanked our glasses again.

    I tried to contain my laughter but it was very difficult. 

            “Are you laughing?”  Another woman asked.

            “No, I’m crying.  I have Sjogren’s Disease.  I don’t produce tears.”  I explained.  It was the truth, I do have Sjogren’s, but I wasn’t crying.

            “Is it contagious?”  The woman said

            “No it’s not.”  I answered.

            “I think they deserve to know.  She walked in on him and another man.”  Keith said raising his glass to toast Shane again.

            “TO SHANE!”  Keith said then covered his face with his hand.

            “I think you should all get a visual of what poor Emanuela had to see.  He was wearing women’s underwear and his lover had a whip.”  Sonia added.

            “This toast is for YOU Emanuela!”  Keith said and everyone at the table toasted to me.

     This went on the whole night.   I contemplated telling them the truth because I’m not ashamed of being single but this was too much fun.  This was the first wedding I’ve been to in years where I didn’t have to defend myself for being single.  These people were kind and supportive of my situation and they might have been just as nice if I told them the truth but I didn’t want to chance it.  They believed and accepted this ridiculous story and I was ok with it.

            “You poor thing.  At least you tried marriage, don’t give up, you’ll be married again soon.”  The woman said.  

             "Thank you.  I think you're right."  I said with a smile.

This was the first and last time I told anyone that I was divorced.  I’m a bad liar and I really am not ashamed of being still single.