The Weirdo

           “Who is that guy?”  I asked my friend Kelly over drinks one night. 

     She turned around excitedly to see whom I was referring to. She wanted me to meet someone just as badly as I did.  Her smile quickly disappeared when she saw that I asked about her coworker.

            “That’s Mark.  You met him at my party last year.”  Kelly said

“I did?  I don’t remember him.”  I said

“That’s because he is wearing a suit tonight and because you were involved with some guy.”  Kelly reminded me.

     I thought back to her party and she was right.  The jackass I was dating at the time couldn’t come to the party with me.   Instead of enjoying myself, I wasted most of the night texting him.  No wonder I didn’t notice Mark.  Well, I was officially done with that mess of a man and ready for something new. Mark seemed nice, confident and outspoken.  He wasn’t gorgeous but cute enough to get my attention.  He slowly worked his way to me and bought us a round of drinks.  I thanked him with a flirty smile and then looked at Kelly.  It was obvious that she did not approve of my new love interest.

     Mark walked away to talk to someone else at the bar and that’s when Kelly scolded me.

  “Stay away from Mark.”  Kelly said.

  “What to do you mean?”  I asked.

 “I mean he’s not your type.”  She said. 

“You don’t know that.”  I said.

“Oh, yes I do! I promise you, you are going to hate him.”  She said

 “ I doubt that.  Besides, I don’t have anything going on right now and I’m bored. Why wouldn’t I go out with Mark?”  I said.

“Because it’s a bad idea and you can’t date someone just because you’re bored. Trust me, he is not your type. Don’t forget that I work with him, I know him better than you and I know that he is not for you.  If you date him, I’ll end up being his therapist at the office.  I don’t want to be his therapist.  Please, please, please don’t go out with him.”   Kelly begged but I didn’t listen.

   It took about a weeks but Mark eventually asked me out to dinner.  I wasn’t sure why Kelly said he wasn’t for me.  He was very sweet and treated me nicely.  I will admit that he talked a lot but he didn’t have anything interesting to say.  I didn’t hold that against him.  He also said things to convince me that he was a good catch.  That wasn’t a big deal either.  I just tuned him out from time to time.

“He’s really nice to me.”  I explained to Kelly over drinks a few weeks after Mark and I started to date.

“You’re kidding me.  He’s not irritating the hell out of you?”  She asked

“Not really.  He talks a lot but that’s not a bad thing.”  I said

“Oh my God, he never stops talking about himself! That’s a horrible thing.  Admit it, he’s annoying.”  She said

“I will never admit that!”  I said with a smile.

“He is driving me crazy with all of his questions about you.  He’s going to drive you crazy too.  As a matter of fact, you will want to punch him in the head like I do.”  She said.

“Well, I like him so I’m going to keep seeing him.”  I said. 

“You keep telling yourself that.  One day you’ll come to me and say that I was right and you were wrong.”  She said raising her wine glass to cheer me.

“Never!!”  I said clanking my glass into hers

      A week after I proclaimed my admiration for Mark to Kelly I started to understand what she meant.  At first I was drawn to his confidence and humor.  I laugh at his lame jokes and liked his strong personality but his shtick was getting old.  He also called me about a hundred times a day, which drove me crazy.  At first I thought it was cute but then I felt like I was being stalked.

“I called you an hour ago, why didn’t you call me back sooner?”  Mark asked one day.

“Because I already talked to you this morning and because your message said that you called just to say hi.  I didn’t think I had to call you back.”  I said

“You don’t have to do anything but I would like to think that you’d want to call me back sooner.”  He said which turned me right off!

A lot of our conversations went something like that.  He was suffocating me so I asked him to ease up on the phone calls but he didn’t.  It seemed like he called me even more after I talked to him about it.  One day he went on and on about how he was too good of a sales person to work at his current company.  He talked for twenty minutes straight! I tried to end the conversation a few times but he was too self-absorbed to notice.  I couldn’t follow the nonsense that came out of his mouth and I didn’t care about what he had to say.  I finally hung up on him and turned off my phone.  I needed a break from him even if it was for just one night.  He was emotionally needy and mentally exhausting.  This relationship was draining but I refused to admit that Kelly was right. 

    When I turned my phone back on in the morning I saw that he sent a bunch of texts and left a few voice messages.  I knew it was going to be a long day. 

            “What happened?”  Mark asked when I called him.

            “Phone died.  Sorry.”  I replied

            “Oh, that’s ok.  So let me finish my story.”  He said and picked up his rant where he left off. 

            “Mark. Seriously. Stop.  I don’t have time to talk to you right now.  I’m working.”  I said.

            “Don’t you want to know what I said to my manager?”  He asked.

            “Sure just not right now.  Call me later.”  I said.

    

     He called me about an hour later.  I let his call go to voicemail.  He sent me a text fifteen minutes after he left his message and I ignored it.  He called me an hour after that and I reluctantly answered my phone.  He was dying to tell me what he happened at his work so I let him talk.

  

“You know you surprised me.”  Mark said after he finished his idiotic story.

“What do you mean?”  I asked.

“Well, you’re a really good person and I feel like I could tell you anything.”  He said.

“Thank you.”  I said

“I have something that I need to talk to you about but I’m waiting for the right time to tell you.”  He said which freaked me out.

“What is it?”  I asked cautiously.

“I’ll tell you when the time is right.  I sort of feel bad about something too.”  He said

“Why do you feel bad?”  I asked

“Well, I’m sure you noticed that I ignored you the first time I met you at Kelly’s party.”  He said. 

    

     I didn’t notice but I let him continue to explain.  This was the first time I was actually interested in what he had to say. 

“My friends said that you were out of my league.  They said that I would never get you so I purposely treated you like shit that night.”  He said proudly. 

“What are you talking about?  You didn’t treat me like shit.”  I said

“Well, I wasn’t friendly to you.  My plan was to get you and then dump you to teach you a lesson and to show my friends that I you are not out of my league.”  He said.

“Are you serious?  Why did you feel the need to teach me a lesson?  What did I do to you?  That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!”  I yelled into the phone.

“Let me finish.”  He said with a silly laugh. 

“Let you finish?  Are you dumping me?”  I asked hoping that he was. 

“No, I’m not.  You’re a really nice person.  I can’t believe Kelly calls you The Black Widow.”  He said then laughed. 

     I wasn’t laughing.  As a matter of fact I was fuming.  Not because of my nickname, my friends have been calling me “The Black Widow” for a while.  I was annoyed because I had to end this and I had to admit that Kelly was right.

     

             “I’m sorry, I’m a little confused.  Are you dating me to prove a point to your friends?”  I asked trying to escalate our conversation into a huge argument. 

“Nope, I’m just saying that you are a sweet person and that I’m glad I got to see this side of you.”  He said. 

 “I don’t know Mark.  I need some time to process this whole thing.”  I said.

“I understand.  I’ll talk to you later.  I really need to tell you something so call me when you can talk.”  He said before I ended the call.

   Kelly was right; I wanted to punch him in the head.  Our relationship was painfully tedious.  I should have been mature and let Mark know how I felt but I didn’t.  Rather than acting like an adult, I chose to be aloof and unavailable.  I thought I could keep doing the fade away, you know, not answer his calls, ignore his texts and be too busy to see him until I faded away.  I assumed that at some point he would take the hint and go away.  My plan seemed easy enough.  I was able to avoid Mark's calls for a while but I couldn’t avoid Kelly.  I didn’t have a choice; I had to call Kelly back.

            “You have to end this and fast.  He is driving me absolutely mental!”  Kelly shouted into the phone.

            “What are you talking about?”  I asked still refusing to admit to Kelly that she was right.

            “What do you mean?  You know what I’m talking about!  He thinks you’re playing hard to get or some crap like that.  I know you and I know how you work.  END IT WITH HIM!”  Kelly yelled.

            “FINE! Give me a little more time.”  I said.

            “No more time, just do it! Admit it, I was right!”  Kelly said.

            “I will not admit that!”  I said

            “You could deny the fact that I was right all you want but I know the truth.  He is not for you.  One day you’ll admit it to me.”  She said.

     I didn’t want to lose this unspoken wager but I needed to vent about Mark.  His excessive phone calls and self promotion drove me absolutely nuts!  Not to mention his stupid attempt to complement me.  Say something nice about my appearance or my personality if you want to make me feel good.  Don’t tell me that you’re surprised to find out that I’m a human being with feelings.  Should I be privledged that Mark dated me?  And what bizarre lesson would I learn when he dumped me?  I wish he would dump me already so this nightmare could end! Oh, I almost forgot about the mysterious thing he had to tell me.  Was that supposed to intrigue me enough to keep me interested in him?  I really don’t care about whatever crap he had to share with me. 

            “Ok, ok!  You were right and I was wrong.  What the hell is wrong with that guy?  Doesn’t he know when to stop talking?”  I asked

            “No, he doesn’t.  He’s fun to hang out with in a group of people once in a while but that’s it.”  She explained.

            “If you say so.  I’ll be just fine if I never hang out with him again!”  I said.

           
     It killed me to admit to Kelly that I was wrong but it felt good to vent.  Now I had to figure out how break up with Mark.  I called him and asked if we could meet me for coffee at a Starbucks.  He seemed different over the phone but that was a good thing.  I hoped he would break up with me before I did it.

                         *               *               *               *               *

     I could tell that Mark was struggling with something when we met so I asked him if everything was ok. 

“Everything is fine.”  He said softly.

     

     I was thrilled! I thought for sure he was about to breakup with me!

“It seems like you have something to say.  What is it?”  I asked trying to get him to say the words that I longed to hear.  

“I’m afraid to talk to you about this.  I don’t want to scare you away.”  He said. 

   

     I felt my heart pounding through my blouse as I waited for his next words.  I wanted to get this conversation over with and forget all about this guy.

“Just tell me what’s going on.”  I said gently.

     He looked down towards his coffee and then took a long sip.  He wasn’t budging so I reached over to touch his hand.

           

“You can tell me whatever you need to.  I could handle it, I promise.”  I said

“I tried to tell you sooner but I wanted to wait for the perfect time.  I think now is the right time.”  He said then took another sip from his coffee.

“Ok, I’m ready.”  I said dying to hear all about his big secret.

“Ok.  Here goes.  I pass out during sex.”  He whispered still looking downward. 

“What?”  I blurted out loud.

“I pass out during sex.”  He whispered.

    Two things.  #1: I did NOT expect that and #2: I had no idea what the hell he was talking about?  I’ve worked in the medical industry for years.  I knew there had to be medical explanation for this.

 

“Do you have a heart condition?”  I asked. 

“Nope.  Everything just goes black and then I’m out like a light.”  He explained but it still didn’t make sense. 

“Do you get headaches?”  I asked.

            “Nope, I just pass out.  When that happens you have to slap me across the face and bring me a glass of water.”  He said giving me instructions on how to handle his episodes. 

     I had an unbelievable urge to reach across the table to slap him right then and there.  That would have felt so good!!! What motivated this person to tell me such a thing?  Did he want me to feel sorry for him because I didn’t!  

     I had so many questions about his “condition” so I kept asking medical inquiries.  None of his explanations were logical but I needed to understand this phenomenon.  He either had a rare condition or he was a big fat liar! I was relentless with my questions because I wanted to break him down.  He became visibly upset but I didn’t let up.

“Look, I don’t know what’s wrong with me and Doctor’s can’t figure it out.  All I know is that when it happens, you have to slap me across the face and bring me a glass of water.”  He said.

    

     I didn’t know how to respond to him so I just sat there in silence while I collected my thoughts.  So many questions flooded my head.  What would be the right thing to say right now?  Could I just get up and walk away?  What will a glass of water do for him if he passed out?  This was crazy! I was prepared for a break up speech, not some bullshit medical condition.

“I’m sorry but you’re not making sense. I’m willing to slap you if you’re into that.  You don’t have to make up this story.”  I said after staring at him blankly for a while.

“I’m not making anything up! I have a medical condition that doctors can’t figure out.”  He said angrily.

“Fine, you have a medical condition.  Relax Mark.”  I said.  

“I knew you were going to react this way.  I thought you would be understanding.”  He said

“Understanding?  I thought we were going to break up but instead I get some pathetic attempt for my empathy.  I’m sorry.  I can’t do this anymore.  I think we should just be friends.”  I said

            “Friends?  I just told you something personal about me and now you just want to be friends?”  He asked.

            “Yes.  I just want us to be friends.”  I said. 

            “Well, I don’t want to be your friend.”  He said

            “Ok then.  We are not friends.”  I said throwing cash on the table.

“You really are a Black Widow.”  He said.

“I guess I am.”  I said as I walked away.

    I wanted to defend myself and point out all of his flaws but I didn’t have the energy.  I called Kelly as soon as I got into my car to tell her what happened.  She was relieved that the nightmare was over but not as relieved as I was.  I promised her that I would never doubt her again and I never did.